Unicorn

[painter not a poet]

Every breath and lyric sang
a memory that speaks your name
wandering, wrenching, lost infatuation
you took his body but stole my heart

We let you in and you shared our bed
elated, joy, swirled anticipation
but you never felt the same

Memories, haunting my weary mind
fits of rage, sorrow, agony
gone for months but still remain
hide you deep and choke you down

Forever seemed to come and go
your empty promises, looks and lies
a gentle kiss, with poison sealed
darkness crept, the sparkle gone

[Mopkins]

hello

don't usually comment on unrhymed stuff, so all I'll say is that gentile seems wrong and gentle seems better to me- probably just a typo.

Welcome to the site

[kidadel]

I like this piece. Nice mixture of beauty and pain...those existential realities that make us human.

[painter not a poet]

hello

don't usually comment on unrhymed stuff, so all I'll say is that gentile seems wrong and gentle seems better to me- probably just a typo.

Welcome to the site

Thank you, yes it was a typo, and sadly one that spell checker wouldn't have picked up. But thank you for your keen eye.

---

I like this piece. Nice mixture of beauty and pain...those existential realities that make us human.

Thank you for reading. I agree with you, it is the bittersweet things that do make us human.

[Erthona]

A number of the lines read awkwardly, primarily because there does not seem to be any sustainable rhythm.

The main problem is I have no idea what the speaker is describing. I could guess, but as a reader guessing is not my job. I don't know who "he" is, whose body was stolen, or who did the stealing.

"but you never felt the same" Who is "you" and what did they feel like before they "never felt the same".

The speaker says things that are unattached to anything that would allow the reader to understand what the speaker is talking about.


Best,


Dale

[painter not a poet]

A number of the lines read awkwardly, primarily because there does not seem to be any sustainable rhythm.

The main problem is I have no idea what the speaker is describing. I could guess, but as a reader guessing is not my job. I don't know who "he" is, whose body was stolen, or who did the stealing.

"but you never felt the same" Who is "you" and what did they feel like before they "never felt the same".

The speaker says things that are unattached to anything that would allow the reader to understand what the speaker is talking about.


Best,


Dale

Thank you for the feedback. I can see where you would get lost by the content. Its about a polyamorous relationship where the speaker loves her husband and the other women but the feelings are not the same.

I will work on the rhythm in the future.

Thank you again, Dale, I always respect honesty.

[painter not a poet]

Every breath and lyric sang
a memory that speaks your name ("sang" and "speaks" need to share the same tense; I would suggest changing "sang" to "sings" because the action seems ongoing)
wandering, wrenching, lost infatuation (it's unclear here whether "wandering" and "wrenching" are intended to be used as verbs or adjectives, particularly since you've chosen to switch to "lost"; I would rethink "lost" here because of the confusion)
you took his body but stole my heart (nice)

We let you in and you shared our bed
elated, joy, swirled anticipation
but you never felt the same

Memories, haunting my weary mind
fits of rage, sorrow, agony
gone for months but still remain
hide you deep and choke you down

Forever seemed to come and go
your empty promises, looks and lies
a gentle kiss, with poison sealed
darkness crept, the sparkle gone

I like the first stanza a lot, but the remaining stanzas are fairly mediocre. The idea is good. Perhaps just some more interesting language choices to convey the notions?

Thank you for the critique. I agree with some of the language issues. Its something I will have to keep in mind when creating in the future. Feedback is so important, so I am thankful.

---

Hi!

I truthfully loved this, and although one could argue about the rhythm, I would personally defend it. I write in a similar fashion to you. I loved the descriptions you used. Can't wait to read more

Thanks for the encouragement. I will have to read some of yours!

[John Galt]

Every breath and lyric sang
a memory that speaks your name
wandering, wrenching, lost infatuation
you took his body but stole my heart

We let you in and you shared our bed
elated, joy, swirled anticipation
but you never felt the same

Memories, haunting my weary mind
fits of rage, sorrow, agony
gone for months but still remain
hide you deep and choke you down

Forever seemed to come and go
your empty promises, looks and lies
a gentle kiss, with poison sealed
darkness crept, the sparkle gone

Hello PNAP, The punctuation in this piece could be tightened up.

In verse 1 you need something after name.

In verse 2 something needs to come after bed, the word elated did not scan right in the line, and for me the word needed to be elation.
Swirled anticipation is too abstract.

In verse 3, L1 some punctuation is needed after the word mind .
The connection of memories in L1 to gone in L3 is spoilt by the line inbetween because there is no punctuation after the word agony.

Verse 4, L1, punctuation need after go.
After looks and lies.
After the last word gone.

Hope this, along with other reader views, helps a little.
JG

[tectak]

I really LOVE this poem. keep on keepin' on.

This is not valid critique...do try to indicate to the writer WHY you like the piece and how it could be improved. There is always something. Just to say "I like this is" is of absolutely no merit whatsoever ....the nearest fungible comment would be "I hate this". Useless, yes?
mod

---

Hi!

I truthfully loved this, and although one could argue about the rhythm, I would personally defend it. I write in a similar fashion to you. I loved the descriptions you used. Can't wait to read more

Poor critique. Are you able to help the writer improve? That is the purpose of critique.

---

Every breath and lyric sang
a memory that speaks your name [color=#9370DB]("sang" and "speaks" need to share the same tense; I would suggest changing "sang" to "sings" because the action seems ongoing)
wandering, wrenching, lost infatuation (it's unclear here whether "wandering" and "wrenching" are intended to be used as verbs or adjectives, particularly since you've chosen to switch to "lost"; I would rethink "lost" here because of the confusion)
you took his body but stole my heart (nice)

We let you in and you shared our bed
elated, joy, swirled anticipation
but you never felt the same

Memories, haunting my weary mind
fits of rage, sorrow, agony
gone for months but still remain
hide you deep and choke you down

Forever seemed to come and go
your empty promises, looks and lies
a gentle kiss, with poison sealed
darkness crept, the sparkle gone

I like the first stanza a lot, but the remaining stanzas are fairly mediocre. The idea is good. Perhaps just some more interesting language choices to convey the notions?

Excellent crit. Well done...this is the spirit of the site.

[ralex003]

Every breath and lyric sang
a memory that speaks your name
wandering, wrenching, lost infatuation
you took his body but stole my heart Who does "you" refer to? Does it refer to you, the writer?

We let you in and you shared our bed
elated, joy, swirled anticipation
but you never felt the same This sounds very emotionally painful, and for that reason it resonates with the reader.

Memories, haunting my weary mind
fits of rage, sorrow, agony
gone for months but still remain If the last line refers to "Memories," then there should be a comma after "remain" if I read this right.
hide you deep and choke you down

Forever seemed to come and go
your empty promises, looks and lies
a gentle kiss, with poison sealed
darkness crept, the sparkle gone This last stanza resonates with the overall idea and pain of the poem.

[painter not a poet]

Every breath and lyric sang
a memory that speaks your name
wandering, wrenching, lost infatuation
you took his body but stole my heart Who does "you" refer to? Does it refer to you, the writer?

We let you in and you shared our bed
elated, joy, swirled anticipation
but you never felt the same This sounds very emotionally painful, and for that reason it resonates with the reader.

Memories, haunting my weary mind
fits of rage, sorrow, agony
gone for months but still remain If the last line refers to "Memories," then there should be a comma after "remain" if I read this right.
hide you deep and choke you down

Forever seemed to come and go
your empty promises, looks and lies
a gentle kiss, with poison sealed
darkness crept, the sparkle gone This last stanza resonates with the overall idea and pain of the poem.

This poem is about a triad of lovers. The speaker, is heart broken because the lovers opened up their life to another women, and the speaker and the man fell in love with her, but she was only after the mans heart all along. So the "you" in that line refers to that other woman.

Thank you for reading, and I truly appreciate the feedback.