The Guy in Apartment 33

[JakMak]

First, I'm not sure what this is, it's not iambic pentameter because there is no rhyme scheme, but this is my first attempt at metering? Is that the proper term? Please let me know what and where it's wrong so I can better grasp some of these concepts. Thank you

The Guy In Apartment Thirty - Three

With no certain rhythm he sat tapping,
the gaunt figure observed the time once more,
to him each day seemed to have a habit,
of constantly becoming night again,
and like - wise of night returning to day,
yet somehow it was always 3 am.
Lighting a cigarette was a rhythm
of its own, the motions automatic.
Bathing the man in sickly yellow light,
his pale sunken face glowed before the match.
Exhaling he extinguished the small flame,
blowing the smoke through the open window,
and out into the muggy August air.
"Out into the filthy city", he thought.
"Out there where twisted people do bad things."
"WHILE I ALWAYS WAIT", he screamed suddenly,
slamming his fist down onto the table.
Taking a drag he leaned back in his chair,
embers illuminated his dead face,
and in that light his blue eyes shown like ice.
A grandfather clock's rhythmic back and forth
he constantly watched the alley below.
Anxiously, his knuckles began rapping,
fingers tapping in no certain rhythm.
"It was always 3 am, always three."
Always waiting... from day to night to day....


Well there you have it, I'm not sure what it was aside from maybe practicing metrics? Any and all feedback appreciated, this is a learning process so don't go easy in the critique, I need to know everything that's wrong with it even if it's all of it. Thank you

[milo]

First, I'm not sure what this is, it's not iambic pentameter because there is no rhyme scheme, but this is my first attempt at metering? Is that the proper term? Please let me know what and where it's wrong so I can better grasp some of these concepts. Thank you

The Guy In Apartment Thirty - Three

With no certain rhythm he sat tapping,
the gaunt figure observed the time once more,
to him each day seemed to have a habit,
of constantly becoming night again,
and like - wise of night returning to day,
yet somehow it was always 3 am.
Lighting a cigarette was a rhythm
of its own, the motions automatic.
Bathing the man in sickly yellow light,
his pale sunken face glowed before the match.
Exhaling he extinguished the small flame,
blowing the smoke through the open window,
and out into the muggy August air.
"Out into the filthy city", he thought.
"Out there where twisted people do bad things."
"WHILE I ALWAYS WAIT", he screamed suddenly,
slamming his fist down onto the table.
Taking a drag he leaned back in his chair,
embers illuminated his dead face,
and in that light his blue eyes shown like ice.
A grandfather clock's rhythmic back and forth
he constantly watched the alley below.
Anxiously, his knuckles began rapping,
fingers tapping in no certain rhythm.
"It was always 3 am, always three."
Always waiting... from day to night to day....


Well there you have it, I'm not sure what it was aside from maybe practicing metrics? Any and all feedback appreciated, this is a learning process so don't go easy in the critique, I need to know everything that's wrong with it even if it's all of it. Thank you

Currently, this isn't metric verse but you just need to train your ear. Metric verse without rhyme is called "blank verse". Type that into the search box and a couple threads of the regulars screwing around with blank verse should shownd show up. Okay, let's work on your first couple lines together. A line of ip should be 5 iambs and nothing else. daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM.


With no certain rhythm he sat tapping
daDUM DUMda DUMda daDUM DUMda
Iamb trochee trochee iamb troche

He sat and tapped without a sense of rhythem
daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM

The gaunt figure observed the time once more
daDUM DUMda daDUM daDUM daDUM
Iamb trochee iamb iamb iamb

The apparition watched the clock again
daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM

Now you try a few

[JakMak]

Ok, that will need to be completely revised...
It was 10 syllables long, but what makes it iambic is that every other syllable is a "hard" syllable correct?

[Mopkins]

Ok, that will need to be completely revised...
It was 10 syllables long, but what makes it iambic is that every other syllable is a "hard" syllable correct?

yep -an iamb is da DUM - you have it correct in some lines -

The ap/pari/tion watched/ the clock/ again
daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM

I'm having fun getting the hang of it too, Good luck to you



Marianne

[ChristopherSea]

Ok, that will need to be completely revised...
It was 10 syllables long, but what makes it iambic is that every other syllable is a "hard" syllable correct?

Get yourself a copy of Paradise Lost. By the time you finish it (thousands of lines), the rhythm of blank iambic pentameter verse will have you marching to the beat. I like how your story itself has a metrical quality.

[JakMak]

Ok, that will need to be completely revised...
It was 10 syllables long, but what makes it iambic is that every other syllable is a "hard" syllable correct?

Get yourself a copy of Paradise Lost. By the time you finish it (thousands of lines), the rhythm of blank iambic pentameter verse will have you marching to the beat. I like how your story itself has a metrical quality.

thanks, yeah, i was confused over what made something iambic, so i made each line 10 syllables lol, thats probably the metric quality you found... thanks for the read and feedback man

---

Ok, that will need to be completely revised...
It was 10 syllables long, but what makes it iambic is that every other syllable is a "hard" syllable correct?

yep -an iamb is da DUM - you have it correct in some lines -

The ap/pari/tion watched/ the clock/ again
daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM

I'm having fun getting the hang of it too, Good luck to you



Marianne

thanks, it took me forever to figure out what this da DUM business was, which i did, with some excellent help and pure tenacity, I kept wandering why they wanted me to sing to my syllables lol :p I'm actually really surprised how much fun it is playing with iambs, dictyals (whatever they're called DUM da da) and trochees... getting them all in order to make meaning is a good challenge

[Erthona]

Did anybody mention that "likewise" is one word?


Dale

[JakMak]

lol naw, but it's a good thing to know, other-wise i might keep making silly mistakes :p
honestly since i completely fudged what i was trying to do, i've just decided to scratch this one, put in my personal vault and appreciate it as it is... i've seen some of your critiques, when i saw your name under mine, i was expecting something much more scathing lol not complaining at all though lol but whatever you see wherever, feel free to let me know man... and thanks for checking it out