Posts: 54
Threads: 33
Joined: Feb 2010
In a daze
My mind is trapped
Thoughts manipulating my head
With results of a crucial thumping pain
Starting from my head, then translates
To the awkward feeling that’s taking place
In my stomach
And when I try to captivate a strong interesting
In something just to keep the emotions from
Running wild between the months
I fall flat and end up with more emotions
That attacks each parts of me
Leaving me with confusion
Posts: 805
Threads: 374
Joined: Dec 2009
Always nice to see your poems LB
My only advice is to pick synonyms for some of the longer and more unwieldy words... you'll find shorter words may have more impact and will improve a poem's rhythm (For example, the word "manipulating" could be substituted with just plain "screwing", or maybe something else if that sounds too grating for you. It's okay to use common expressions and slang if you want!). Just make more use of your vocabulary, nothing a thesaurus wouldn't take care of (Yes, every writer uses one
).
Thanks for the read!
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
(03-26-2010, 07:54 AM)Loveblind Wrote: In a daze
My mind is trapped
Thoughts manipulating my head
With results of a crucial thumping pain
Starting from my head, then translates
To the awkward feeling that’s taking place
In my stomach
And when I try to captivate a strong interesting
In something just to keep the emotions from
Running wild between the months
I fall flat and end up with more emotions
That attacks each parts of me
Leaving me with confusion
not bad LB. could do with an image or two.
and maybe a few of the smaller words removing but it's one of your best so far.
