Just a trip

[Hermit]

With just a trip
you fall.
The bramble scratches
and pulls you in.

tan Mud swallows you whole
and spits you out.

Wind eats away,
Bringing you to cold, wet,
Agony.
it transforms the skin
to appear as a desert,
dry and cracked.

Almost, you look alien.
Cold, fragile, and hurt.
Tears flow and move
as rivers through crevices.

But there is a lake!
A beautiful shining blue lake!
and oh, how clean it is.

As you wash your face
you grow sincerely relieved
and felt the Lake's
mighty cleansing Power.

The caked mud
slides off and your skin was dried by the
still stinging, but now cooling breeze.

-----
Edit 1:
With just a trip
you fall.
Mud swallows you whole
and spits you out.

Wind eats away,
Bringing you to cold, wet,
Agony.
it transforms the skin
to appear as a desert,
dry and cracked.

Almost, you look alien.
Cold, fragile, and hurt.
Tears flow
as rivers through crevices.

But there is a lake!
A shining blue lake!
and oh, how clean it is.

As you wash your face
you grow relieved
and felt the Lake's
Power.

The caked mud
slides off and your skin was dried by the
still stinging, but now relaxing breeze.
__________
This is the second poem I've written, and I don't know that it's any good but it is my way of expression. I would really appreciate any support or opinions you have to give. Thanks.

[John Galt]

Hello Hermit, it is hard to figure out what is going on here. The way the words are ordered
gives no "flow" to the poem, there is no life to the poem because of that. More clarity is need to the central idea you are trying to impart to the reader.

Beware of using to many modifiers, eg, "tan" before "mud" "mighty cleansing" before "power" one of those words at least, is superfluous.

Look for pruning opportunities, eg, your poem has more to do with mud than the scratches from the bramble so the first verse could have gone something like this below.

With just a trip
you fall.
Mud swallows you whole
and spits you out.

When you look at the other verses in the same way you can see where pruning may give tighter focus.

I really liked the idea of the wind drying the mud so that the person covered by it appears,
"dry" and "cracked". A bit like "The Thing" from the Fantastic Four.

Thank you. JG

[Hermit]

Hello Hermit, it is hard to figure out what is going on here. The way the words are ordered
gives no "flow" to the poem, there is no life to the poem because of that. More clarity is need to the central idea you are trying to impart to the reader.

Beware of using to many modifiers, eg, "tan" before "mud" "mighty cleansing" before "power" one of those words at least, is superfluous.

Look for pruning opportunities, eg, your poem has more to do with mud than the scratches from the bramble so the first verse could have gone something like this below.

With just a trip
you fall.
Mud swallows you whole
and spits you out.

When you look at the other verses in the same way you can see where pruning may give tighter focus.

I really liked the idea of the wind drying the mud so that the person covered by it appears,
"dry" and "cracked". A bit like "The Thing" from the Fantastic Four.

Thank you. JG

Thanks for the opinion, John! I'll work on using a better quantity of modifiers to keep the flow and life in the poem. I appreciate the fact that you explained both good and bad things in the poem so I know what to do more of and what to stop doing. Thanks!
-austin

[Gypsy Irish]

This poem is vague, but I think it could be helped worth an eye toward punctuation. There are words capitalized that needn't be, and commas in odd places. However, I loved the imagery the word choice this invoked.

[Hermit]

This poem is vague, but I think it could be helped worth an eye toward punctuation. There are words capitalized that needn't be, and commas in odd places. However, I loved the imagery the word choice this invoked.

I used punctuation and capitalization this way intentionally, it is to emphasize certain words and change the way you read along.