Sunny day cemeteries

[PoetryAndPhysics]

Sunny day cemeteries are wonderful.
Skinny paths and tree groves,
leaves scattering rays into shade
like a morbid disco ball.
Lawns to fall on and make grass angels,
or to mime catch with a dead uncle,
or just sprint childish circles for the heck of it.
Tombstones are personalized Roman ruins
whose runes tempt daydreams to a once boundless lifetime
of passions that burned for rhetoric and horseback.
Bring a few chairs, cheese, and wine,
recline your legs, and bandy away
your days to the echoes of loved ones.

Uncle died. I loved him alive,
but now I feel nothing: am I diseased?
Everyone chokes on tears of endless sorrow,
the drive down smelt of stale silence,
words said were soaked up by all but me.
A lonely, broken emptiness.
I'm a freak, a leper with an antisocial bell
whose amygdala refuses to sit mourning.
If mother knew, she'd send me away.
A little concrete window, a barbwire basketball court.
I'd be a zombie, feasting on other pathological brains.
But my jollies would forever return to tombstones,
to a wilderness born in the shadows of a dying sunset.

[John Galt]

Sunny day cemeteries are wonderful.
Skinny paths and tree groves,
leaves scattering rays into shade
like a morbid disco ball.
Lawns to fall on and make grass angels,
or to mime catch with a dead uncle,
or just sprint childish circles for the heck of it.
Tombstones are personalized Roman ruins
whose runes tempt daydreams to a once boundless lifetime
of passions that burned for rhetoric and horseback.
Bring a few chairs, cheese, and wine,
recline your legs, and bandy away
your days to the echoes of loved ones.

"morbid" in line 4, strikes a sour juxtaposition with the statement of line 1, the disco ball idea without the modifier works better.

I am having trouble with "leaves scattering rays", I see what you are getting at and the imagery comes through, but I always think it is the sun scattering the rays, (are the leaves actually blocking the rays?
and what we see on the floor are the "unblocked rays of light?.

"whose runes tempt daydreams to a once boundless lifetime
of passions that burned for rhetoric and horseback".

The whole of the above could be cut, it brings nothing for me to the verse, "daydreams to a once boundless lifetime" is too abstract.

I would consider cutting "personalized" in line 8, I assume the narrator is still "playing" and that the tombstones are just normal ones? if so the idea comes through without "personalized".

"recline" your legs seems odd, "recline" for me usually means the whole body reclining/ being propped up in bed for instance, or leaning against a wall. (hope that makes sense).


Uncle died. I loved him alive,
but now I feel nothing: am I diseased?
Everyone chokes on tears of endless sorrow,
the drive down smelt of stale silence,
words said were soaked up by all but me.
A lonely, broken emptiness.
I'm a freak, a leper with an antisocial bell
whose amygdala refuses to sit mourning.
If mother knew, she'd send me away.
A little concrete window, a barbwire basketball court.
I'd be a zombie, feasting on other pathological brains.
But my jollies would forever return to tombstones,
to a wilderness born in the shadows of a dieing sunset.

For me the whole of verse 2 can be deleted, your are telling me rather than showing me, using imagery for instance like in verse 1.
In fact V2 says almost the same thing as V1, I hope you can see that
and discern why V1 is much more engaging for me to read.

Typo- dieing.

Thank you. JG

[MadisonDiem]

Sunny day cemeteries are wonderful. (The first line is very weak. Show, don't tell, as John Galt said. Furthermore, the passive voices bores. See final comments for a fix?)
Skinny paths and tree groves,
leaves scattering rays into shade
like a morbid disco ball. (If you're going to use punctuation in this way, I would recommend having complete sentences. I love the disco ball image though, it works very well for me.)
Lawns to fall on and make grass angels,
or to mime catch with a dead uncle,
or just sprint childish circles for the heck of it. (Again, you either need a verb or don't put a period. "for the heck of it" feels too informal for this piece.)
Tombstones are personalized Roman ruins
whose runes tempt daydreams to a once boundless lifetime
of passions that burned for rhetoric and horseback. (This sentence seems superfluous - too abstract and too much of a hidden meaning..)
Bring a few chairs, cheese, and wine,
recline your legs, and bandy away (bandy - I do not think this word means what you think it means. This isn't a verb. Try someone like 'waste away.')
your days to the echoes of loved ones. (I like this line, and the way it completes the above line. It may be a little cliche, but I think it works.)

Uncle died. I loved him alive,
but now I feel nothing: am I diseased? (This is weak. You're telling again. 'I feel nothing' - what does that feel like? Find an strong imagery description to show me what you mean.)
Everyone chokes on tears of endless sorrow,
the drive down smelt of stale silence,
words said were soaked up by all but me. (You changed tense. Be wary of that. This sentence doesn't do much for me.. the timeline of what is 'happening' is confusing because of your tenses here and in the first stanza.)
A lonely, broken emptiness. (There is a little meaning here. Show, don't tell.)
I'm a freak, a leper with an antisocial bell
whose amygdala refuses to sit mourning.
If mother knew, she'd send me away.
A little concrete window, a barbwire basketball court.
I'd be a zombie, feasting on other pathological brains.
But my jollies would forever return to tombstones,
to a wilderness born in the shadows of a dieing sunset. (These last four lines have more to them, but be concise with your words. Abstractions like 'jollies' just serve to confuse.

I like most of the first stanza and less of the second. You tend to start your stanza/thought by stating something, and then proceeding to use your imagery to describe it. Don't state. Just go straight into the true meaning and images that you're trying to convey and your poetry will be more effective. It may take a bit of wrestling to figure out how to do that comfortably, but I think it will help you greatly. I look forward to what you do with this one!

For example:
Sunny day cemeteries with
skinny paths and tree groves,
the leaves scattering rays into shade
like a morbid disco ball.

This is much stronger and will pull the reader straight into the scene.

[PoetryAndPhysics]

Hi Madison and John. Great crits both, lots of good point that shall be put to use.

John- To the ray scattering image: this poem went through a long period of editing (by my standards). Somewhere in the middle I noticed that the leaves actually block the rays. Eventually I let it slide; it sort of works thinking of the light as particles, scattering off leaves (although that's incorrect). But yes... unintended ambiguity. You make a good point with "recline", I'll have to look up the usage. I do see that, for example, in miming catch with a dead uncle, the narrator is already showing his 'disconnect' in S1. I did want to show the narrator depressed in S2, but I take your overall point (and Madison's) about the telling. Ugh, spelling will be my undoing eventually...

Madison- I might need some more unconvincing with the first line. I take the point with much of the telling in the rest, but I still like starting with the exclamation. Although, I did something similar in another poem, and was met with the same criticism. One day, I'll be convinced out of it. I agree with the punctuation remarks of S1; didn't really know how to fix that. Bandy can be a verb, meaning "to exchange quips, especially in rapid succession" (my Webster dictionary). Although my original intent was more along the lines of "chatty", which is the impression I had of "bandy" from a poem I read a few years ago (the name of which I can't remember). Good catch with the tense change, I'm still getting used to picking those out.

Gracias again.