"I Plummet, As I Lie in Bed"

[alatos]

Version 2.2
I plummet, as I lie in bed,
just as I start to slip away,
through memories of things you said,
and all the things I wished to say.

And when, in time, I end this fall,
as in some restless sleep I drown,
I meet your eyes; but that is all:
even in dreams, you turn me down.

I rise to live another day,
if living is this thing I do.
I act, and say what I should say,
but still I think of only you.




I plummet, as I lie in bed,
just as I start to slip away,
through memories of things you said,
and all the things I wished to say.

And when, in time, I end this fall,
as in some restless sleep I drown,
hopelessly, I meet your eyes; but that is all:
for even in my dreams, you turn me down.

Again, I rise, to live another day,
if living is the word for what I do.
I act as I should, say what I should say,
but all the time, I think of only you.

[milo]

You maintain a solid meter throughout the first stanza but lose control of it through the rest. As a whole, I don't know that there is anything really new here but it could work as an exercise in rhyme and meter.

I plummet, as I lie in bed,
just as I start to slip away,
through memories of things you said,
and all the things I wished to say.

And when, in time, I end this fall,
as in some restless sleep I drown,
hopelessly, I meet your eyes; but that is all:
for even in my dreams, you turn me down.

Again, I rise, to live another day,
if living isthat's the word for what I do.
I act as I should, say what I should say,I live the motions - act and say-
but all the time, I think of only you.

well, that fixes the meter at least.

[Jae Mc Donnell]

I plummet, as I lie in bed,
just as I start to slip away,
through memories of things you said,
and all the things I wished to say.

And when, in time, I end this fall,
as in some restless sleep I drown,
hopelessly, I meet your eyes; but that is all:
for even in my dreams, you turn me down.

Again, I rise, to live another day,
if living is the word for what I do.
I act as I should, say what I should say,
but all the time, I think of only you.

Hi Alotos, how are things.
The title of the poem is great. Also there are some good lines in there.
But for me the poem fell apart a bit. Lots of the lines are a bit lacklustre. For example "Again, I rise, to live another day,
if living is the word for what I do."
Maybe try to think of another way you might say this, maybe using imagery or symbolism, something to give it more punch.
Here is an example using the words you have used, but simply worded differently.
Again, I rise, to live another day,
'live' God that's what some might say.
Sorry I am going on here a bit. Yes good title, some good lines but needs some restructuring around these lines.
I hope this is helpful.
Jae

[alatos]

Thanks for the advice guys. I revised in the first post.

[justcloudy]

Hi alatos,

You've changed some stuff but I'm not super convinced much improvement has been made. Below I'm focusing mainly on rhythm because it was really getting to me, and content in this poem is pretty standard. You have a nice bit or two, and if you capitalized on them and trimmed in a major way I think you could have something here.

Version 2
I plummet, as I lie in bed, This is your strongest line. Makes me think of that feeling of falling and waking with a start we all sometimes get before drifting off. You could extend this, it'd make the rest more interesting.
just as I start to slip away, Take out "just" to keep rhythm.
through memories of things you said,
and all the things I wished to say.

And when, in time, I end this fall, Doesn't sound as urgent as it could be.
as in some restless sleep I drown, Rhythm is weird here.
I meet your eyes; but that is all: But who are "you" talking to? We don't know anything about this person, not even gender, and so why should we care about him/her? Also rhythm is off here.
even in dreams, you turn me down. Rhythmically no, but I do like the glimpse into "your" psyche which tells us a lot.

I rise to live another day,
if living is this thing I do. Rhythm is off. This is an improvement from before but it could go further.
I act, and say what I should say,
but all my mind can think is you. "of" is missing between "is" and "you", but rhythm is still off.





I plummet, as I lie in bed,
just as I start to slip away,
through memories of things you said,
and all the things I wished to say.

And when, in time, I end this fall,
as in some restless sleep I drown,
hopelessly, I meet your eyes; but that is all:
for even in my dreams, you turn me down.

Again, I rise, to live another day,
if living is the word for what I do.
I act as I should, say what I should say,
but all the time, I think of only you.

An easy way to test the rhythm is reading it aloud and seeing where the stresses fall. Here you want them to be in the same place when you say the phrase in a natural way. I'm far from being an expert, and stress patterns vary, but I think that's what you're trying for here and often falling short of.

Example:
i RISE to LIVE anoTHER day (good)
if LIVing is this THING i DO (see how it's wrong?)
i ACT and SAY what I should SAY (good)
but ALL my MIND can THINK is YOU (not a natural way to say that)

Analyse your other stanzas and see what you can do.

Anyway don't take any of this the wrong way, hope I'm not being too direct for your taste. Writing good poetry is hard work but it's worth it, or so they say. ;p

-justcloudy

[killthepoet]

even in dreams, you turn me down

Wow, what a haunting line. It tells a story and has so much emotion in such few words.
Criticism is the same as most, something about that living line throws off the flow to me.

[alatos]

I'm just not understanding the problem...

if LIving IS this THING i DO

Maybe I say it differently???