Tanka 26th July

[Magpie]

the labyrinth
has two exits
both illuminated -
perplexed moth
finds neither

[soonforgotten?]

I like the idea, I feel the confusion! Do you have a title for this?

Wondering though, if you couldn't compress it into three lines instead of five. That way, each line would have a stronger weight, making the poem more powerful.

I would suggest contracting L1 and L2 into one line, same with L3 and L4.

Thanks for the read!

[Malu]

the labyrinth
has two exits
both illuminated -
perplexed moth
finds neither

Interesting how the labyrinth you speak of has two exits rather than one, I like how it plays into the moth not being able to find them, even though they are drawn towards light, really conveys something here. Good poem and thanks for the read

[Jim Steele]

As somebody who seems to run a boarding house for perplexed moths like this one, I got a kick out of this. Good decision on making it such a short poem - so much more effective this way. Also, the short lines (that you can't help but read rapidly) seem to have the same rhythm as a moth bumping into something continuously. Was that intentional, I wonder?

[Erthona]

Not really a "Tanka" is it? Not that I care, as I find the distinctions on these supposed Japanese forms silly, but it you are going to call it such...

"the labyrinth
has two exits"

Don't all labyrinths have two exists?

I'm guessing this might have something to do with fireworks, but that is more because of the title. Evidently the central idea is maze as metaphor, but what that is suppose to be escapes me.

Dale

[Magpie]

Not really a "Tanka" is it? Not that I care, as I find the distinctions on these supposed Japanese forms silly, but it you are going to call it such...

"the labyrinth
has two exits"

Don't all labyrinths have two exists?

I'm guessing this might have something to do with fireworks, but that is more because of the title. Evidently the central idea is maze as metaphor, but what that is suppose to be escapes me.

Dale

Hi Dale, thanks for commenting, firstly you are totally right about it not being a Tanka which looks totally obvious to me now, but at the time it wasn't for some reason.
It's really just a poem about the moths that annoy me every summer night trying to get out of the lamp shade. In some ways I was more perplexed than the moth as to how it couldn't find it's way out, so the "labyrinth" is sarcastic, but also I like the sound of the word.
I did use to help the moths at first but they just love that lamp.
I put this poem up here 2 months ago and I've now just realised that it's been silent at night for weeks... I kind of miss those moths now.
Thanks for commenting, I was wondering what you were meaning about fireworks and the title I'm not sure.

Mark

---

As somebody who seems to run a boarding house for perplexed moths like this one, I got a kick out of this. Good decision on making it such a short poem - so much more effective this way. Also, the short lines (that you can't help but read rapidly) seem to have the same rhythm as a moth bumping into something continuously. Was that intentional, I wonder?

A boarding house you say... what an excellent idea from next summer.
The short lines weren't intentional but you're right about them having that effect, well spotted... actually I meant of course intentional
Thanks for commenting
Mark

---

the labyrinth
has two exits
both illuminated -
perplexed moth
finds neither

Interesting how the labyrinth you speak of has two exits rather than one, I like how it plays into the moth not being able to find them, even though they are drawn towards light, really conveys something here. Good poem and thanks for the read

Hi, thanks for the comments, I was actually quite surprised to see this poem back up, it's been a while since I was here.... I've been lost in a lampshade just like them pesky moths... I kind of miss them now after reading this again...
Many thanks for commenting and resurrecting the poem that I thought had died long ago... you're not from Nazareth by any chance?

[Erthona]

"I was wondering what you were meaning about fireworks and the title I'm not sure"

Evidently I made some weird connection to the 4th of July and fireworks because of the "has two exits
both illuminated" sounds like a firecracker. I now realize that the 26th and the 4th are kind of far apart to make that connection.

dale

[Malu]

Hi, thanks for the comments, I was actually quite surprised to see this poem back up, it's been a while since I was here.... I've been lost in a lampshade just like them pesky moths... I kind of miss them now after reading this again...
Many thanks for commenting and resurrecting the poem that I thought had died long ago... you're not from Nazareth by any chance?
[/quote]

No problem, and I am not from Nazareth, why do you ask?

[emerald13]

the labyrinth
has two exits
both illuminated -
perplexed moth
finds neither

yes .. its not a tanka ...
i find it a little wordy for short form
if i may? ..

both exits
illuminated
the moth
finds neither

or

both exits
the moth illuminated
finds neither

?

love the visual i get from you premise ...
to my reading .. there is a definite play on the word 'illuminated'
so play with it !

poetry ... particularly short poetry should not spoon feed the reader ... and cutting out extraneous words sometimes brings us into pithy, sparkling aha moments ... the lifeblood of short poetry i think

>>> Gina