intrusion

[friedmouse420]

I am new here, and haven't used a forum in many years. I feel that poetry as an art form is overlooked on most art sites, so I have come here in hopes of meeting other poets that can give honest feedback. Any kind is welcome, and honesty is very important to me. If you don't like it, or feel it could be done better, feel free to say so. I will also share my thoughts on your poetry as often as I can.

Anyway, this is a poem I wrote two nights ago.


I was awoken to the sound of a creaking door met with the silhouette of an unfamiliar man standing in the doorway. I drop to the floor, grab my .44 magnum under the mattress of my bed and put three rounds in his head. I free myself from the sheets and arise to my feet. I turn on the switch, squint my eyes to adjust to the light, and find three holes in the unopened door.

It was the middle of the night and my head still wasn't right. I light a cigarette and ponder the silhouette of the man I had seen approaching me as if I were his enemy. My blood boils hot as a thousand different thoughts flood through my head like a tsunami of red. This wouldn't be the first time a violent thirst chimed like a silent church bell in the hellish depths of my mind.

I'm blind to reality and only see what the eye inside strives to find. Revenge, and I won't let it go. For whom? I don't know. My heart beats black and there's no turning back. the clock on my windowsill stands still as I catch a glimpse of my shadow strike a match. He lights a cigarette as I finish my own and I realize on this dim night that I am not alone.

My fingertips are now numb and I'm blind deaf and dumb. His eyes work through mine and I feel him lurking through my spine. He can control all but my soul, which is confined to a small hole deep inside my chest where the only part of me now rests. I must seek a solution, although bleak, I just need dissolution. Freedom from this self intrusion, closure from this dark delusion.

[Volaticus]

Hi there,
The way it is now, I'm reading it more like a story than a poem. It's very wordy.
If you want, you could try to trim out some of the less needed words, making the poem shorter and more concise. Strip it down to the bones, and work from there, with shorter, less wordy lines.
JMHO.
Thanks for sharing.
Best
LB

[billy]

hi fm

at the moment it comes across as block prose. has lot's of cliche. the good poins are that it has some imagery and a theme. a suggestion would be to remove or exchange the cliche for original phrase and cut away two thirds of the piece, and use shorter lines, an example would be;

I awoke to the creaking door
and a silhouette of a stranger,
I rolled off the bed, like a granite balloon.
Crushing the carpet, i grabbed the forty four
and sent three caps to greet his head.

not great i know but it's just a quicky example hope it helps.

[friedmouse420]

thank you both for the feedback, I'll try better next time

[qwerty_H]

I am new here, and haven't used a forum in many years. I feel that poetry as an art form is overlooked on most art sites, so I have come here in hopes of meeting other poets that can give honest feedback. Any kind is welcome, and honesty is very important to me. If you don't like it, or feel it could be done better, feel free to say so. I will also share my thoughts on your poetry as often as I can.

Anyway, this is a poem I wrote two nights ago.


I was awoken to the sound of a creaking door met with the silhouette of an unfamiliar man standing in the doorway. I drop to the floor, grab my .44 magnum under the mattress of my bed and put three rounds in his head. I free myself from the sheets and arise to my feet. I turn on the switch, squint my eyes to adjust to the light, and find three holes in the unopened door.

It was the middle of the night and my head still wasn't right. I light a cigarette and ponder the silhouette of the man I had seen approaching me as if I were his enemy. My blood boils hot as a thousand different thoughts flood through my head like a tsunami of red. This wouldn't be the first time a violent thirst chimed like a silent church bell in the hellish depths of my mind.

I'm blind to reality and only see what the eye inside strives to find. Revenge, and I won't let it go. For whom? I don't know. My heart beats black and there's no turning back. the clock on my windowsill stands still as I catch a glimpse of my shadow strike a match. He lights a cigarette as I finish my own and I realize on this dim night that I am not alone.

My fingertips are now numb and I'm blind deaf and dumb. His eyes work through mine and I feel him lurking through my spine. He can control all but my soul, which is confined to a small hole deep inside my chest where the only part of me now rests. I must seek a solution, although bleak, I just need dissolution. Freedom from this self intrusion, closure from this dark delusion.

there are some weird tense shifts and it there are a couple cliches but it makes an interesting story.

thanks for posting!