TruthfulLies
Unregistered
I just want to clarify before I start that I dont claim to be good at this, also this poem im about to put is a freeform.
Truth
Truth is something we all need
Though in moderation
Too much truth can cause a horrendous lie
Such as rumours spread by gossip
Or unforgiving words of hurt
for sometimes life is contest
to see who can lie the best
But don't fear
for as long as you use both truth and lies
you can balance the judgemental scale
which society may attempt to tip out of your favour
and that is the reality we live in.
I think that the idea behind the poem is an interesting one. Some of your lines I love, like 'for sometimes life is [a] contest/ to see who can lie the best'.
Some of the ideas could be a little more subtle, for example 'such as rumours spread by gossip'. Maybe use imagery and metaphors instead?
With some more work, this will be a great poem!
Posts: 64
Threads: 12
Joined: Jun 2013
(07-20-2013, 05:32 PM)TruthfulLies Wrote: I just want to clarify before I start that I dont claim to be good at this, also this poem im about to put is a freeform.
Truth
Truth is something we all need
Though in moderation
Too much truth can cause a horrendous lie
Such as rumours spread by gossip
Or unforgiving words of hurt
for sometimes life is contest
to see who can lie the best
But don't fear
for as long as you use both truth and lies
you can balance the judgemental scale
which society may attempt to tip out of your favour
and that is the reality we live in.
TruthfulLies,
OK freeform ... but there is more. Your moniker
TruthfulLies and then your poem
Truth with its rapid amelioration of deception kind of makes me curious ... what is really going on in your head ... in your life? Continue to write
(and read) poetry ... continue to share your ideas and feelings ... for you, as well as us.
Welcome, and Cheers,
fim
There is no such thing as free form. Unless you made it up.
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Joined: Jul 2013
The poem doesn't seem to "roll of the tongue," if you get my drift. I'm guessing that's purposely done, but the power behind the contrast to me is lost in that sense. Yet the concept is a good one.
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Hi, great subject matter. Not so sure about the form, at times it read like a piece of prose then it almost becomes more akin to a poem for a couple of lines, which overall threw me. And I agree that the "rumours spread by gossip" line could be more subtle.
The overall feel and subject matter reminds me very much of a Blake quote "A truth that's told with bad intent beats all the lies you can invent"
Thanks for the read,
Mark
wae aye man ye radgie
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Joined: Oct 2010
(07-20-2013, 05:32 PM)TruthfulLies Wrote: I just want to clarify before I start that I dont claim to be good at this, also this poem im about to put is a freeform.
Truth
Truth is something we all need
Though in moderation
Too much truth can cause a horrendous lie
Such as rumours spread by gossip
Or unforgiving words of hurt
for sometimes life is contest
to see who can lie the best
But don't fear
for as long as you use both truth and lies
you can balance the judgemental scale
which society may attempt to tip out of your favour
and that is the reality we live in.
Hi welcome to the site,
To get to the poem behind the ideas you have consider moving from propositional statements laid out with line breaks to imagery that captures the idea and demonstrates it to the reader. That will take a bit of thought on your part. That thought though is what makes poetry have impact.
My advice would be to think of images that express the idea and write about them.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Posts: 70
Threads: 19
Joined: Jul 2013
I don't think the reality we live in requires both lies and truth. Lies are by standard bad. This poem flows nicely. I cant get the message your trying to convey though. I know it says "and that is the reality we live in" but I think that statement is wrong
Posts: 70
Threads: 23
Joined: Jul 2013
I agree with most of the previous comments. Instead of telling the reader something, SHOW them. Paint a picture through your words. It makes the read more effective and powerful. I like the message though and this is a good start. Another suggestion, which you can take or leave by your own choosing, since your title is "Truth" I would suggest taking out "Truth is" from the first line and just start with something. If you leave it in, it almost seems redundant. Good read though, thanks!
