my try (first erotic poem! eeeee)

[Bunx]

EDIT 2
There she is in the back of groove, the beat of the bass drum.
For I am in the rumble in your heart.

Slowly I hum in my head to the sound of the bass.
I am playing to her soft ears.
Seeing you move those hips like a dancing doll,
made of skin not plastic.

I look into her eyes and let out a little smile then
I jump up, slamming down on the hard wood ground.

This mound of rock I have built in my soul.
That will not let a girl become one whole with me, kills.

I want that babe.
I want to know who you are, and not what.
I want you just for tonight, but not to to get inside your gut.

Hold you hair as your smile
is against mine. Oh love,
crawling slow swiftly down my spine.
Here I am.
At last

[rowens]

Slowly I Hum
in my head to the sound of the
bass. I am playing to her
soft ears. To see you move
those hips like a dancing
doll, made of skin
not plastic.

I look into her eyes
and let out a little smile then
up I jump up to slam down on the
hard wood ground. This mound of
rock I have built in my soul.

Maybe the period here; maybe not. The rest is all right. Even the uppercase Hum.

That will not let a girl become
one whole with me, kills.

[Brownlie]

There she is
in the back of groove,
the beat of the bass drum.
For I am in the rumble in your heart.

Slowly I Hum -Yoda Speak I think this is called an inversion
in my head to the sound of the -- Why enjambment here? This makes the reader stop on the which is not a strong word.
bass. I am playing to her
soft ears. To see you move -- How are ears soft? What does the texture feel like?those hips like a dancing
doll, made of skin
not plastic.

I look into her eyes
and let out a little smile then
up I jump up to slam down on the - I jump up would read more naturally.
hard wood ground. This mound of
rock I have built in my soul. -- Soul is abstract more subtle suggestions are more poignant in my opinion.
That will not let a girl become
one whole with me, kills.

I want that babe. I want to know
who you are, and not what.
I want you just for tonight,
but not to to get inside your gut. -- This might be your most erotic line and one of the most effective.

Hold you hair as your smile
is against mine. Oh love, -- I would not use Oh unless you had to fit a meter or something but that is just me.
crawling slow swiftly down my spine. -- This line isn't bad
Here I am.
At last

I would advise sticking to words that refer to physical objects, that might help you dig out some things. Your call.

[Bunx]

Rowens, now we have a sentence
Brownlie, Ill have to look up enjambment
i also will expand and delete some words in addition.
robownlie- thanks for the constructive positive feedback

[billy]

no in line feedback in the novice forum please.

can people read the rules for each forum before posting feedback in them :J:

here's an excerpt.

This is the Novice Forum, please leave any feedback outside the body of the poem. Ensure that it provides valuable feedback to the poet, even if it's all positive. A simple "I like this" is not appropriate Please comment to the best of your ability.

[Bunx]

billy. indeed! now i feel justified in not looking up the word

[jdguyb]

It's a little hard to read. Maybe make some lines an entire sentence instead of moving from line to line mid sentence

[Bunx]

jd will do