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Joined: May 2013
She was charming and intriguing.
In the way she carried herself, She employed no girlish airs for she was not a girl.
She wore the wounds of broken passions. Old beyond her years her eyes where youthful but experienced
Delicate and gracious, she gifted us with a fleeting smile. Any man would be blessed to receive it.
Sublime and sensitive, sensuous and sensible.
her hair, careless and lustrous ; complimented her playful rouged pouting lips.
She understood you just as you would like to be understood.
She had was modest, expected nothing of anyone.
not finished yet any pointers?
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Joined: Jun 2013
(06-16-2013, 11:40 AM)ernestgoodwell Wrote: She was charming and intriguing.
In the way she carried herself, She employed no girlish airs for she was not a girl.
i liked this, it was a good opening. i think you could use wording with a little more womanly imagery than 'not a girl' and that would tighten it up a little
Quote:Sublime and sensitive, sensuous and sensible.
her hair, careless and lustrous ; complimented her playful rouged pouting lips.
loved this. very nice word play.
i liked this piece overall. there were a couple spelling errors that could use a second read over. there were places that could be tightened up, a little more concise, but i liked the way it flowed. nice work
Posts: 15
Threads: 4
Joined: May 2013
She was charming and intriguing.
In the way she carried herself, She employed no girlish airs for she was no young thing.
She wore the wounds of broken passions. Old beyond her years her eyes where youthful but experienced
Delicate and gracious, she gift' us with a fleeting smile.
Any man would be blessed to receive it.
Sublime and sensitive, sensuous and sensible.
her hair, careless and lustrous; complimented her playful, rouged, pouting, lips.
She understood you just as you would like to be understood.
Perfectly modest, she expected nothing of anyone.
thank you i think ive improved a bit, point out other mistakes?
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
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break up some of the lines. when you come to a period start a new line and see what that looks like.
the last line doesn't make any sense. lines like;
Sublime and sensitive, sensuous and sensible.
give the reader very little.
show us how she was sublime and sensitive and sens....etc.
sublime as afternoon tea and a game of croquette.
as sensitive as peach hair
sensuous like bacon lube and satin panties...oops
but you get what i'm saying i hope. some words need to be suspended on or in an image.
(06-16-2013, 11:40 AM)ernestgoodwell Wrote: She was charming and intriguing.
In the way she carried herself, She employed no girlish airs for she was not a girl.
She wore the wounds of broken passions. Old beyond her years her eyes where youthful but experienced
Delicate and gracious, she gifted us with a fleeting smile. Any man would be blessed to receive it.
Sublime and sensitive, sensuous and sensible.
her hair, careless and lustrous ; complimented her playful rouged pouting lips.
She understood you just as you would like to be understood.
She had was modest, expected nothing of anyone.
not finished yet any pointers?
