Blood On Her

[Obloquy]

The thought of that girl cutting herself..

Her in bed slicing her wrists with some pointy thing. I'd hope not a knife.
The thing that hurts most is this girl is the one who I want to buy a ring.
And go on late night drives with.
And share popcorn.
And lay in bed and feel her body shift.
But her body is so ruptured with self-spurned rifts.
Cutting and cutting and jabbing and stabbing until she is but ash and sift.
How can you bring yourself to deal with it.
To imagine her stubborn face as she carves and starves and cries and dies.
The crying happens suddenly but the dying happens slowly.
Her hands hide her from the whole world and as they slide down so does her face and cheeks and tears; she is an animal now, murmuring a noise so lowly.
Her hand sinks lower and lower until she is below a sea that she has made.
She doesn't swim, but drowns, as she has chosen her wet grave.
She goes further and further and screams '5 more feet.'
But its all a dream and it's oh so really.[/font][/align]
The stabbing and slicing of her meat.
She gives up. Her mind takes her somewhere surreal-
Detour, her dreams are haunted by pills and guns begging her to cave in.
I am afraid one day they may win.

It's hard to love someone who doesnt love themself.

[Zerric]

Okay...so i'm don't really know much about the technical aspects of poetry and stuff. But your second line has a big grammar problem.

"The thing that hurts most is this girl is the one who I want to buy a ring." should be 'is the one whom i want to buy a ring for.' or 'is the one for whom i want to buy a ring.' of course, I'm not really an english major...so i'm just saying that that line sounds a bit weird.

Other than that, it sounds like vocal poetry. I can imagine someone reading this out, but written down, this just doesn't work for me, with the rhyming happening all over the place. I'm more into poetry with structure and fixed rhyme schemes, but it sounds pretty good if I read it out. This is all JMHO, so...yep.

Keep Writing

[Sam33lynn]

"With some pointy thing" is kinda vague, but I really like the imagery in the lines "but her body is so ruptured...until she is but ash and sift"
The last line is very powerful as well

[Heartafire]

You have something good to work with here. It needs some trimming and editing (grammar/syntax) but It is promising. Here:
Her hands hide her from the whole world and as they slide down so does her face and cheeks and tears; she is an animal now, murmuring a noise ,
though I feel this runs on, imo, it is gold.
Heart

[Ehud]

I like the story here but I think your rhyming is holding you back. You might should either rhyme all the way or not at all. This could still be a beautiful poem without rhymes, IMHO.

Also, the last line seems to be saying that one who doesn't love them-self is unloveable. In which case I personally disagree with. I think most people who don't love themselves are loved by others. That might not have been what you meant though. Perhaps you could say: To love someone who doesn't love themselves is torture.

Overall I think it is a good start, I like it.

[Volaticus]

I think this could be a decent poem, if you trimmed it down a lot. It's very wordy to me, and some very long sentences with not enough punctuation, so it gets hard to read. Some of the lines are also grammatically incorrect. But you do have some good phases and I appreciate the thought behind the poem, it's just all around the place.

[billy]

the style of the poem as far as content goes is very very generic, with cutting and slicing and a bit of stabbing. some of the syntax needs sorting out, lines 1 and 2 to mention a couple.
the 1st line you say pointy thing. do you mean a finger? say what you mean.
is this girl is....is bad syntax. you could cut a lot of the poem away (no pun intended) and it would be stronger for it. try breaking some of the lines down. it'll help you with the flow, you can always extend the lines later should you wish.

Cutting and cutting and jabbing and stabbing until she is but ash,
cutting does not go with ash