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The sun resonates in my spirit and I
Smile. Warmth and repose engulf me
And I am certain nature is mine.
Tranquility transcends as the sun melts
For the day and the worn sea yawns.
Oh salty wet heavens how sweetly you
Fill my dry lungs? As I watch your
sweet seascape I am eternally yours.
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(04-14-2013, 06:30 PM)philoinlove Wrote: The sun resonates in my spirit and I
Smile. Warmth and repose engulf me
And I am certain nature is mine.
Tranquility transcends as the sun melts
For the day and the worn sea yawns.
Oh salty wet heavens how sweetly you
Fill my dry lungs? As I watch your
sweet seascape I am eternally yours.
I love the uplifting nature of this poem. I'm not sure the break is quite right on the first line. There seems to be an abundance of "and", perhaps they are necessary but in s1l3, could it be dropped with no harm done.? Fine writing!
Heart
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Hi,
I think that you made an error in the title
In the second stanza it's spelled right.
I really enjoyed the calmness of your poem
But like Heart, I also noticed the break in line one. To me, it doesn't really add much.
Is the question mark in S3L2 necessary?
Thanks for sharing, it was nice to read on this rainy day
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(04-14-2013, 06:30 PM)philoinlove Wrote: The sun resonates in my spirit and I
Smile. Warmth and repose engulf me
And I am certain nature is mine. This first verse is magical. It's so crisp, clear and wonderfully abstract, referring not to physical things yet still creating imagery. In a vague, moving way I can picture the sun resonating inside a spirit. This is my favourite kind of poetry because it's unpretentious yet utterly powerful.
Tranquility transcends as the sun melts
For the day and the worn sea yawns.
Oh salty wet heavens how sweetly you
Fill my dry lungs? As I watch your The first sentence of this verse feels more like a statement than a question.
sweet seascape I am eternally yours.
"Transcends" in your title is missing an "s".
Thank you for the read, this was a very good, sensual and spiritual poem
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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(04-15-2013, 12:20 AM)Volaticus Wrote: I think that you made an error in the title In the second stanza it's spelled right.
fixed/ admin
It could be worse
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Thank you
KirstieMillar
Unregistered
I really enjoyed your poem! I found it had a tranquil, calming affect and it touched me. However, I agree with the other posts about the break, I found it to be rather jarring, it takes away from a poem that will otherwise moved rather seamlessly. Very good!
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thank you for your comments. I put the break there so the end lines would read I me mine and you your yours. I will check the line break
