New hope

[Jamie]

Remember I am a donkey, not even a pig let alone a hog.



New hope

When your winter is a month too long
and you hear no peace in the robins song.
You've lost all faith in the human race
and for you there is no intervening God.

You find some hope in your daughters eyes
but it's soon lost in the people's cries and your lovers lies.
You're looking for something that you know is there
but you just can't find at February's end.

You won't find it in a whiskey jar
a bag of weed or a nine bar.
A poker game doesn't hold the key
a diamond flush can't set you free.
For all the wealth that you can gain
it can't fix this worlds pain.

So where can you go to find this hope
that you need so bad you'll never let go,
well, it's just my opinion right or wrong
you'll find it in the first spring sunrise
just after dawn.

[billy]

hi jamie

the conetent isn't too bad, you have some cliches , some wordiness and the rhyme scheme that seems vacant.

So where can you go to find this hope equates to where is hope?
that you need so bad you'll never let go, equates to packing, it say a lot but has little bearing.
well, it's just my opinion right or wrong it equates to more packing
you'll find it in the first spring sunrise equates to you'll find it in the first spring sunrise

where is hope?
you'll find it in the first spring sunrise.

okay that's pretty strict but once you get the nuts and bolts you can play around with it.
keep your eye on punctuation. (robbin's song)
i like the 1st verse. specially the first two lines, thats what you have to aim for. with the rest of the poem. compare those two line with the last verse.
all in all not a bad effort at all

Remember I am a donkey, not even a pig let alone a hog.



New hope

When your winter is a month too long
and you hear no peace in the robins song.
You've lost all faith in the human race
and for you there is no intervening God.

You find some hope in your daughters eyes
but it's soon lost in the people's cries and your lovers lies.
You're looking for something that you know is there
but you just can't find at February's end.

You won't find it in a whiskey jar
a bag of weed or a nine bar.
A poker game doesn't hold the key
a diamond flush can't set you free.
For all the wealth that you can gain
it can't fix this worlds pain.

So where can you go to find this hope
that you need so bad you'll never let go,
well, it's just my opinion right or wrong
you'll find it in the first spring sunrise
just after dawn.

[Todd]

Hi Jamie, A couple comments below for you:

Remember I am a donkey, not even a pig let alone a hog.--Maybe, "Hey, I'm just starting with poetry. Any thoughts?"



New hope

When your winter is a month too long
and you hear no peace in the robins song.--while I don't mind this thought, it's too early in the poem to go there. Find something negative without alluding to finding joy in nature and the simple things yet
You've lost all faith in the human race
and for you there is no intervening God.

I like the phrasing for "intervening God". This reads pretty smoothly. I'd like to see you read it out loud and look and look to make the meter a bit more consistent. We have some things on meter in the poetry practice forum that will go into way more detail. Suffice it to say that when you rhyme you're looking for the flow that meter brings to enhance it. Even without knowing anything about it reading it out loud will tell you when the line feels too short or too long. Make adjustments

You find some hope in your daughters eyes
but it's soon lost in the people's cries and your lovers lies.
You're looking for something that you know is there
but you just can't find at February's end.

You have a lot of possessive nouns throughout the poem. Look for making your use of apostrophes consistent. I like that you brought February in to point back to your original line. First stanza: When things are bad. Second stanza: When things I've relied on to lift me up no longer work. Line 3 here is too vague to be impactful think of a substitute, or a more evocative way to express it

You won't find it in a whiskey jar
a bag of weed or a nine bar.
A poker game doesn't hold the key
a diamond flush can't set you free.
For all the wealth that you can gain
it can't fix this worlds pain.

--I love these short quick lines. Stanza 3: Here's where you won't find it.

So where can you go to find this hope
that you need so bad you'll never let go,
well, it's just my opinion right or wrong
you'll find it in the first spring sunrise
just after dawn.

--The problem with the ending is you need one stanza devoted to what it is. You have too much space devoted to: Where can you find it I'm about to tell you, and I'm getting to it now

Honestly though, much better than the first poems I wrote. You've got an idea that you develop. It's fairly smooth. It just needs some work to bring it out more like every other poem does.

I hope some of that helps.

Best,

Todd[/b]

[Tommy]

I think you have a great start here. I enjoyed it even with some of the meter and scheme problems that will resolve themselves through editing. I think you should try cutting out the you's as much as possible. For example; When winter is a month too long. In other words write it in the singular voice, about yourself and then allow me to insert myself into the poem through empathy with the authors emotions.

[Aphroditeny]

I agre with the others about improving on the meter, however I really loved the thoughts in the poem and could really relate to the feelings it spoke of. Thank you for sharing!

[Jamie]

Hi all, thanks for your comments. When I joined this forum a couple of days ago I thought I was ready to start on my third poem. I now know that I'm not. Your comments have given me much to think about and work on. I will post a second edit soon and if any of you would care to comment on it I will be grateful. Thanks again, your feedback is very valuable. This site is a great resource.

Jamie

[billy]

listen jamie, you can post a poem a day in the critique forums. and others elsewhere as you wish. put another poem up and don't worry. we've all been and some of us (me) are still going through the learning process immerse yourself as much as you can with reading and writing and editing and giving feedback. you'll have an hallelujah moment when you the edits you need to do become smaller than the poety you write

[Claire]

I just joined, so I feel what i comment won't be as "deep," but I did like your poem and i see you've posted others! It made me think of that saying how it's always darkest before dawn, so better is around the corner.

[Seth31]

I agree with the previous comments. I also recently just joined, so my criticism may not be the most technical, but I'll do what I can Your poem provides great use of imagery; I feel that it lets the reader connect well to the theme of it. I like what you have written, perhaps a couple edits and it could be a great work

[escorial]

don't stop writting to revise your work..move forward all the time and reflect on older work in the light of were you once were.

[milemke08]

Remember I am a donkey, not even a pig let alone a hog.



New hope

When your winter is a month too long
and you hear no peace in the robins song.
You've lost all faith in the human race
and for you there is no intervening God. This last line breaks the flow of this stanza. Intervening has too many syllables for the meter you used here, I would consider re-writing this line.

You find some hope in your daughters eyes
but it's soon lost in the people's cries and your lovers lies. just to lose it in your peoples cries or your lovers lies
You're looking for something that you know is there
but you just can't find at February's end.

You won't find it in a whiskey jar
a bag of weed or a nine bar. I think adding a few syllables here would help
A poker game doesn't hold the key
a diamond flush can't set you free.
For all the wealth that you can gain
it can't fix this worlds pain. it can't fix this worldly pain

So where can you go to find this hope
that you need so bad you'll never let go,
well, it's just my opinion right or wrong
you'll find it in the first spring sunrise
just after dawn.