emerging

[justcloudy]

revision 2

The rumbling of soft self-awareness
trampolines inside my skull
expanding
spilling through my ears in waves of liquid air.
It washes me in cleansing smoke;
I feel my beauty again.
Whole: mind rejoined with body
apprehensive,
not alone.


I see the heavy, darkened cords
that tether me still.
But my steady, inward breath
picks out and captures
tiny glimmers of happiness
floating through sunlight

(inch by inch they creep
through my cluttered pores
and stopped up nerves;
they sink in,
dissolve
accumulated mess.)

I begin to radiate,
aglow with knowledge of me.
And my chains grow looser.


They begin to thin,
pulling away,
apart from the yesteryears
of writhing tears
and pained breath
haunted thoughts
and flashing wake-dreams

(materialized as reflections
in the mirror
the puddles
of full eyes).

I have jumped the gap;
now to remember
stay on this side.




revision 1

The rumbling of self-awareness
trampolines inside my skull,
expanding,
spilling out my ears in waves of liquid air.
It washes me in smoky essence;
I feel my beauty again.
I am whole: mind rejoined with body
which didn’t run off
this time.

I can see the heaviness
tethering me still.
But I breathe a steady, inward breath
and pick out, capture
tiny particles of happiness
floating through sunshine.
Inch by inch they creep through
my cluttered pores
and stopped up nerves;
as they sink in
and clear out the mess
I begin to radiate,
aglow with knowledge of me.

And my chains grow looser.


They begin to thin,
pulling away,
apart from the yesteryears
of writhing tears
and pained breath
haunted thoughts
and flashing wake-dreams
(materialized as reflections
in the mirror
the puddles
of full eyes).

I have jumped the gap;
now to remember
to stay on this side.



original

The rumbling of my self-awareness
trampolines on the inside of my expanding skull
spilling out my ears in waves of liquid air.
It washes me in its smoky essence;
I feel my beauty again.
I am whole: my mind has re-inhabited my body
and my body has not run off.

I can see
the heaviness that still tethers me,
but as my steady, inward breath
picks out and captures
the particles of happiness
floating through the sunshine,
I begin to radiate
a glowing knowledge of me,
and my chains grow longer.

They begin to thin,
pulling away,
apart from the yesteryears of writhing tears
and pained breath
of haunted thoughts
of flashing wake-dreams
(materialized as reflections
in the mirror
in the puddles
in my full eyes).

I have jumped the gap;
now to remember
to stay on this side.

[brandontoh]

The rumbling of my self-awareness
trampolines on the inside of my expanding skull
spilling out my ears in waves of liquid air. -- Strong imagery. We're off to a good start! =)
It washes me in its smoky essence; -- I'd remove the word 'its'.
I feel my beauty again. -- 'I feel beautiful' has a more personal touch, and I think that'll immerse the readers more. Personal opinion. =x
I am whole: my mind has re-inhabited my body
and my body has not run off. -- Hmm, I think these 2 lines are a little too long. A little too in-your-face as well. Perhaps you can think about rewording the lines?

I can see
the heaviness that still tethers me, -- How do you see heaviness? I think there's something I'm not getting. =x An explanation would be very much appreciated. Thanks!
but as my steady, inward breath
picks out and captures
the particles of happiness
floating through the sunshine, -- Once again, good imagery, but a little too wordy I think.
I begin to radiate
a glowing knowledge of me,
and my chains grow longer.

They begin to thin,
pulling away,
apart from the yesteryears of writhing tears
and pained breath
of haunted thoughts
of flashing wake-dreams
(materialized as reflections
in the mirror
in the puddles
in my full eyes). -- Lovely stanza. =)

I have jumped the gap;
now to remember
to stay on this side. -- Good finish too. You ended off the poem real strongly. Thanks for the read, and hope I'm of help! =)

[justcloudy]

thanks for the pointers! yea I have problems with wordiness ;p
fixed some things but I'll wait to see if anyone else has thoughts before posting my edit.

also, no I guess you usually can't see heaviness, but I needed something else for "chains" and it worked for me. still can't think of anything better; even if it's a bit weird I like it.

thx again.

[billy]

hi goldy

i#ve stopped my crit in the body of the poem because we're in mild. i think you have a good poem here though it does feel a little wordy, the excess hides the or stops the good snipptes from popping of the page. i haven't pointed out all the ones that take away from the poem but there are a few more. theres a lot of good stuff going on specially near the end.

thanks for the read.

The rumbling of my self-awareness my is redundant twice over, onece from self the 2nd from my on the next line.
trampolines on the inside of my expanding skull is 'on the' and 'of' needed? good image
spilling out my ears in waves of liquid air.
It washes me in its smoky essence; why smoky?
I feel my beauty again.
I am whole: my mind has re-inhabited my body
and my body has not run off.

I can see this feels weak, would it be stronger if you pull 'the heaviness' up from the next line?
the heaviness that still tethers me, is 'still' needed.
but as my steady, inward breath
picks out and captures
the particles of happiness
floating through the sunshine,
I begin to radiate
a glowing knowledge of me,
and my chains grow longer. a great image, and in general a good stanza

They begin to thin,
pulling away,
apart from the yesteryears of writhing tears
and pained breath
of haunted thoughts
of flashing wake-dreams again, i like this image, it ties in with the emergence of the title.
(materialized as reflections
in the mirror
in the puddles
in my full eyes).

I have jumped the gap;
now to remember
to stay on this side. good strong ending that doesn't feel forced.

[justcloudy]

thanks Billy

I posted a revision. see what you think. it's ok, be harsh. =]

--Goldyfish

[billy]

good solid edit goldy, i did like the middle stanza best in the origiinal but the choice is yours.

revision

The rumbling of self-awareness
trampolines inside my skull,
expanding, no need for the comma if the words trying to make a statement, you could even seperate the word on it's own line with a line space above and below it.
spilling out my ears in waves of liquid air. would from my ears work better?
It washes me in smoky essence;
I feel my beauty again.
I am whole: mind rejoined with body
which didn’t run off
this time.
just a suggestion; would 'a' work before 'body' means you could do away with the last line, which feels a bit weak?

I can see the heaviness no need for 'can'
tethering me still.
But I breathe a steady, inward breath
and pick out, capture
tiny particles of happiness
floating through sunshine.
Inch by inch they creep through
my cluttered pores
and stopped up nerves;
as they sink in
and clear out the mess
I begin to radiate,
aglow with knowledge of me.
apart from the edit of this stanza's first line, i preferred the wording of the original 2nd stanza.

And my chains grow looser. i can't give a reason but i preferred longer, i think it's more ominious in the freedom you're finding that you do realise you're still chained to some extent.

They begin to thin,
pulling away,
apart from the yesteryears
of writhing tears
and pained breath
haunted thoughts
and flashing wake-dreams
(materialized as reflections would the lines in parentheses be better as their own stanza, possibly italicised instead of parentheses?
in the mirror
the puddles
of full eyes).

I have jumped the gap;
now to remember
to stay on this side. no need for 'to'

[justcloudy]

thanks for the comments Billy. I'll leave it for a while, too tangled up to think straight for the moment.

--goldyfish

[Mattie]

revision

The rumbling of self-awareness
trampolines inside my skull,
expanding,
spilling out my ears in waves of liquid air.
It washes me in smoky essence;
I feel my beauty again.
I am whole: mind rejoined with body
which didn’t run off
this time.

I can see the heaviness
tethering me still.
But I breathe a steady, inward breath
and pick out, capture
tiny particles of happiness
floating through sunshine.
Inch by inch they creep through
my cluttered pores
and stopped up nerves;
as they sink in
and clear out the mess
I begin to radiate,
aglow with knowledge of me.

And my chains grow looser.


They begin to thin,
pulling away,
apart from the yesteryears
of writhing tears
and pained breath
haunted thoughts
and flashing wake-dreams
(materialized as reflections
in the mirror
the puddles
of full eyes).

I have jumped the gap;
now to remember
to stay on this side.



original

The rumbling of my self-awareness
trampolines on the inside of my expanding skull
spilling out my ears in waves of liquid air.
It washes me in its smoky essence;
I feel my beauty again.
I am whole: my mind has re-inhabited my body
and my body has not run off.

I can see
the heaviness that still tethers me,
but as my steady, inward breath
picks out and captures
the particles of happiness
floating through the sunshine,
I begin to radiate
a glowing knowledge of me,
and my chains grow longer.

They begin to thin,
pulling away,
apart from the yesteryears of writhing tears
and pained breath
of haunted thoughts
of flashing wake-dreams
(materialized as reflections
in the mirror
in the puddles
in my full eyes).

I have jumped the gap;
now to remember
to stay on this side.

I really like this poem,slowly it builds given much hope
nicely wrote.
May I suggest:
in the mirror
in the puddles
in my full yes

I have jumped the gap

[/align][align=center] I think it sounds better and carries a more postive hump.

'That's just what I think'.

[justcloudy]

Hi Mattie,
Sorry I never replied to you. =[
Thanks for your comment. I agree that that ending would be more positive, but I guess I'm too negative of a writer to want to change it. ;p ;p
In all seriousness though, what I want to do here is give a contrast between the light and the dark cycles of life, so don't want to give it too much of a "happily ever after" ending. But I appreciate the comment.

_________________________________

All,
I stepped away from it for a while and came up with a 2nd edit. Would you, dear reader, mind taking a look at it and sharing your thoughts? I'd love some feedback, whether you think I'm going in the right direction or not with the new stanzas. Any and all comments totally welcome, I'm invested in this one, and want to get it right. =]

[rowens]

You seem like you agree with pruning and tightening stanzas. That's the most sensible thing to continue doing. It works with the subject matter of the poem, the struggle of writing it seems more suitable to the subject than the way the subject's being handled as it is.

[allykat727]

Beautiful work. I did not read the original and revision 1 in depth, but read enough to judge that the work in revision 2 was improvement

The first stanza is my favorite. It has very strong imagery that roped me in immediately. The only thing I really disliked was the use of the word "wake-dreams". Its a cool word, but I found that it was rhythmically awkward at the end of that stanza. But, I really liked the way you ended the poem. Overall, this piece reached me and I felt a true sense of understanding of what it is about. I think stanzas 4 and 6 were not as strong as the others, but overall, a job well done!