On the block

[cidermaid]

On the block (1st Edit)

The trees are moving lies.
Winding down their
green and golden tendrils,
grasping at my crown.
The bridge, where there is always
Coming and going, feels ridged
under my thumb.
The splintered sapling that died;
the charcoaled remains internalised,
cannibalised. Entombed, hidden
by sleight of hand;
now scratch and etch their lies.

But I feel their imperfections.

Samurai Bonsai make their move.
Cored and coated, a burning splinter,
carbonising dross. Until,
with lidded singularity
the sum is in free fall.
Bunched in tight formation.
Free floating.
Waiting upon the tide
of shaved imaginings,
cavernous and wide.
In-drawing dawn.
See the trees move.




On the block

The trees are moving lies.
Winding down their,
green and golden tendrils,
grasping at my crown.
The bridge, where there is always
Coming and going, feels ridged
under my thumb.
The splintered sapling that died;
the charcoaled remains internalised,
cannibalised. Entombed, hidden
by sleight of hand;
now scratch and etch their lies.

But I feel their imperfections.

Taken down, turned around.
Cored and coated, a burning splinter,
carbonising dross. Until,
with lidded singularity
the sum is in free fall.
Bunched in tight formation.
Free floating.
Waiting upon the tide
of shaved imaginings,
cavernous and wide.
In-drawing dawn.
See the trees, move.

[Leanne]

*there shouldn't be a comma after L2 -- phew, punctuation is out of the way

I really enjoy the little internal and slant rhymes you've got going on in the first stanza, but your first and last lines both end in "lies" -- which is not a problem at all, I like the roundness of it, but I'd love to see that happen in the last stanza as well so it's recognisable as a deliberate technique. I think that would help with the apple-icity of the poem. I'd probably go with a "move" in the first line of the last stanza if it's possible. I like having that single "but I feel their imperfections" line in the middle there, it's a pivot.

There are some gorgeous motifs running through this. The burning, turning to charcoal, carbonising -- then to "shaved imaginings". I adore "lidded singularity". Most enjoyable AJ, thank you!

[cidermaid]

Hi Leanne, Thanks for the comments.
Have altered the punctuation mentioned and taken your suggestion about the last stanza and tried something out in edit above,be interested to Hear if you think this works / was what you were meaning from your comments.
Thanks again for the support and help AJ.