guilt

[corawrites]

It is as if the ceiling of my room is the Eye of God
And I am but a worm
Eating and shitting out dirt
A slimy fool who knows nothing of anything
But the garbage on which I thrive
I am acutely aware of it
But lacking the faculties to do much about it
Except moan and sigh over the banalities of this simple life
Wallpaper the word "meaning"
Empty as these rooms
With all their books and papers and computers and televisions
Nothing is anything here
But how it appears that we have everything
I am a fool rolling around on a filthy bed of gold
This foolish gold which will take me nowhere and teach me nothing
Except the superficialities of my own existence
And how I've never amounted to anything in all of this
Blessed Time

[doolasmind#11]

another awesome poem. feel like you completely express the mediocrity of most people and life as well.

Wallpaper the word "meaning"
Empty as these rooms
With all their books and papers and computers and televisions
Nothing is anything here
But how it appears that we have everything
I am a fool rolling around on a filthy bed of gold

this part is so true. we appear to have everything but in reality we are empty and have nothing this is so in line with my thoughts and what i base my material off of. nice work nice piece

[Air]

Overall a good poem. A good critique of modern society. Reminds me of fight club. I would recommend cleaning out some filler words though.

[billy]

great effort cora. a really enjoyed the write. i wonder if you try and slip in a metaphor or two into the narrative it might be even better, for instance, the 1st line; does it need "it is as if"? or would it read better as; The ceiling of my room is the Eye of God

if you used caps only at the beginning of a sentence (and it's not a rule or anything like that, just a suggestion) you could make certain lines stand out better, give them more bang for their buck, so to speak.

some good narrative, thanks for the read.

It is as if the ceiling of my room is the Eye of God
And I am but a worm
Eating and shitting out dirt
A slimy fool who knows nothing of anything
But the garbage on which I thrive
I am acutely aware of it
But lacking the faculties to do much about it
Except moan and sigh over the banalities of this simple life
Wallpaper the word "meaning"
Empty as these rooms
With all their books and papers and computers and televisions
Nothing is anything here
But how it appears that we have everything
I am a fool rolling around on a filthy bed of gold
This foolish gold which will take me nowhere and teach me nothing
Except the superficialities of my own existence
And how I've never amounted to anything in all of this
Blessed Time

[cidermaid]

Hi Cora, there was a lot to like in your poem in terms of where the telling took us. I agree with Billy's thoughts concerning the inclucion of some more images so perhaps a different angle to offer for your consideration would be to look at the poem as a text block. Perhaps those three longer lines could be contracted down. A couple of suggestions below.

It is as if the ceiling of my room is the Eye of God
And I am but a worm
Eating and shitting out dirt
A slimy fool who knows nothing of anything
But the garbage on which I thrive
I am acutely aware of it
lacking the faculties to do much about it. You could remove the but and add a period.
Except moan and sigh over the banalities of this simple life. Moaning sighing over the banalities
Wallpaper the word "meaning"
Empty as these rooms
With all their books and papers and computers and televisions Try finding a acceptable contraction or image instead of the list. ? not much to offer...stoked with ravenous communication vampires
Nothing is anything here
But how it appears that we have everything
I am a fool rolling around on a filthy bed of gold
This foolish gold which will take me nowhere and teach me nothing could you take out the first three words of this line...if you like the image of fools gold you might be able to work it into the line below
Except the superficialities of my own existence
And how I've never amounted to anything in all of this
Blessed Time

I hope this was not too much crit for the post, but I thought that this was a really good effort and is well worth some more time working with it. Thanks for the read. AJ.[/b]

[Jagger Cyde]

I love this one. You very accurately describe the feeling of guilt in a very detailed manner.

[Pryderi]

I really enjoyed this, although I do feel it lost some of its strength towards the end. Everything up until "Empty as these rooms" seems really strong, after that line it got a little cumbersome. I would think about revising and trying to make the end as concise as the beginning, which has a beautiful starkness.