Haiku

[Keith]

Shoes glide on sheet ice
Winter sun warms all faces
Carried by the undertow

[cidermaid]

Hi TOMH
First of all please excuse my attempts to to offer advise on a subject I'm a little shakey on myself.
I wanted to offer something for your poem as it seams to have got missed in amongst everything...so here goes.
I'm not possitive, but perhaps the referance to shoes and so the inferance of a person wearing the shoe means that this is a senyru...but then I had never heard about this form untill i read Billy's notes so..who knows if I'm right.
The subject was very strong and i felt it worked very well. It also conveyed a good seasonal element.
I think perhaps the count is wrong in the last line. 5/7/5 (i think is the sequence) and I made yours 5/7/7 but again I'm hoping that someone else will pop in and add some weight of authority to this comment.
Overall I thought it was well done I liked the added bonus of assonance in the first line.

[billy]

the syl count of 575 is pretty much a guide. i think generally it things that aren't solid that makes it senryu, things like emotion etc. which are usually tied to the human psych.

i got held up on

carried by the undertow?

good effort.

[TwistedAngel]

couple of things imo first is i think this is senryu cos is about people as haiku is nature

an like billy the use of 'undertow' a little confusing..have heard it used to describe the 'rat race' an life in general, but in a depressing morbid way not ever an uplifting one

i think am not understanding its use in this or totally missing the point

[Keith]

couple of things imo first is i think this is senryu cos is about people as haiku is nature

an like billy the use of 'undertow' a little confusing..have heard it used to describe the 'rat race' an life in general, but in a depressing morbid way not ever an uplifting one

i think am not understanding its use in this or totally missing the point

This is a car wreck of a senryu / Haiku mainly because I dont know the difference and I didnt even catch the 5/7/5 its about people and nature but I'm not sure what that tells me.

I think I should let it slip under the ice and get carried by the undertow to the lonley place were dead seniku go.

[TwistedAngel]

if you wos propa japanese would be thinking about seppuku right now lol

i dont think is a car wreck just the last line needs a bit of a rethink is all <<< erm sez me like its SOOO easy lol

maybe somthing like "blades slicing cold air"

[Keith]

[quote='TwistedAngel' pid='108085' dateline='1354910392']
if you wos propa japanese would be thinking about seppuku right now lol

Lol they don't let me have sharp objects in here and I faint at the sight of blood, so can never get the job done

[billy]

This is a car wreck of a senryu / Haiku mainly because I dont know the difference and I didnt even catch the 5/7/5 its about people and nature but I'm not sure what that tells me.

I think I should let it slip under the ice and get carried by the undertow to the lonley place were dead seniku go.

no it isn't, just change a word or two and it's good to go.