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+--- Thread: Another Round (/thread-15140.html)
Another Round - Jae Mc Donnell - 08-04-2014
Sure, we could ask the stars to map the sand.
Badger the air, "please don’t corrode our plans"!
But fuck it, lets chat about gene pools,
that intoxicated drool,
where sea sick molecules create fools.
It’s just another tragic symphony,
with fucking cracked, hollowed sounds of sympathy,
ringing like nostalgic chimney chimes,
screeching, "watch your head", "yeah",
as you crash into life.
Sure don’t we end as we mean to begin!?
Gagged coffin nails buried within;
we pull them out day by day, each one poignant,
fucking pointless, and progressively paid.
So will we sit quietly as another crop fails?
And listen closely as autumn exclaims,
“quickly, a kiss for winter, yeah, before we begin”.
RE: Another Round - Keith - 08-05-2014
(08-04-2014, 07:07 AM)Jae Mc Donnell Wrote: Sure, we could ask the stars to map the sand.You have some interesting lines and images here. At first I thought this was referring to that late night bullshit we all talk when we should be going home rather than drinking another round. Then I thought the circle of life now I think it maybe a blend of the two. The meter and rhyming scheme is all over the place....I like that, I have added some comment. Best Keith
Badger the air, "please don’t corrode our plans"! this made me think of drinking outside when linked with the title perhaps on a beach hoping it won't rain
But fuck it, lets chat about gene pools,
that intoxicated drool,
where sea sick molecules create fools. having a dig at some dickhead we all love to do it.
It’s just another tragic symphony,
with fucking cracked, hollowed sounds of sympathy, not sure fucking adds anything here in fact it throws the meter
ringing like nostalgic chimney chimes, I dont know what a chimney chime is
screeching, "watch your head", "yeah",
as you crash into life.
Sure don’t we end as we mean to begin!?
Gagged coffin nails buried within;
we pull them out day by day, each one poignant,
fucking pointless, and progressively paid. again the fucking spoils the assonance of the lines, are you using it for anger for the 9 till 5 ?
So will we sit quietly as another crop fails?
And listen closely as autumn exclaims,
“quickly, a kiss for winter, yeah, before we begin”. yeah seem out of place and with the commas it makes it read like a verbal swagger
RE: Another Round - Kostallo - 10-08-2014
(08-04-2014, 07:07 AM)Jae Mc Donnell Wrote: Sure, we could ask the stars to map the sand. Great opening line had me opened my mind to the vastness of the universe around our small worldI enjoyed this poem very much. Powerful with a lot of packed meaning and almost a level of remorse. Thoroughly enjoyed look forward to future post. Thank you
Badger the air, "please don’t corrode our plans"!
But fuck it, lets chat about gene pools,
that intoxicated drool,
where sea sick molecules create fools.
It’s just another tragic symphony, I really enjoyed these top four lines as well acknowledgeing the amazement of the human geneology with the understanding that today the world is full of fools and tragedy.
with fucking cracked, hollowed sounds of sympathy,
ringing like nostalgic chimney chimes,
screeching, "watch your head", "yeah",
as you crash into life.
Sure don’t we end as we mean to begin!?
Gagged coffin nails buried within;This line is heavy for we truly only have one purpose to live till death but its how we live that makes our death a victory and not a tragedy.
we pull them out day by day, each one poignant,
fucking pointless, and progressively paid.
So will we sit quietly as another crop fails?
And listen closely as autumn exclaims,
“quickly, a kiss for winter, yeah, before we begin”.
