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+--- Thread: No pity for the weak. (/thread-13924.html)
No pity for the weak. - Ryan_w_r - 03-29-2014
I know a man,
A quiet man,
a man whom I despise.
A murderous rage rises every time i look in his eyes.
Where does this hate come from,
I really could not say...
But this hate is real,
it is growing everyday.
Our lives are intertwined, his fate, bound.
A fate that leaves him buried, 6 feet underground.
I watch his every movement,
take note of every flaw,
will keep a vigilant eye,
till the day my bullet meets his jaw.
sobbing in the corner, pathetic and meek.
The man whom I will put out of MY misery, no pity for the weak.
Hand violently shaking I slowly pull the trigger.
One shot to the head, time to ring the grave digger...
After the shot,
no more pain,
no more tears,
I felt completely free.
For the first time in my life my soul was at ease.
Raising up from the body I look down and see,
The man whom I despise, the man I killed... It was me..
RE: No pity for the weak. - Wildcard - 03-29-2014
Hi Ryan,
There is a pretty good vibe going with this, but sometimes I felt that your rhymes felt forced. Since this is in novice, I'll not do line-by-line, but I did want to note that the portion that reads 'The man whom I will put out of MY misery' does not (in my opinion) need the CAPS on 'my'. Allow the simple meaning to soak into the reader a little more slowly.
Thank you for sharing.
RE: No pity for the weak. - ellajam - 03-29-2014
Hi, Ryan, you've really found a rhythm in the first half here that pulled me in. You seem to lose it later on, but I think you could make this work. Here are some notes.
(03-29-2014, 01:22 AM)Ryan_w_r Wrote: I know a man,Just some thoughts if you're considering an edit.
A quiet man,
a man whom I despise.
A murderous rage rises every time i look in his eyes.
Where does this hate come from,
I really could not say...
But this hate is real,
it is growing everyday.
Our lives are intertwined, his fate, bound.
A fate that leaves him buried, 6 feet underground.
I watch his every movement,
take note of every flaw,
will keep a vigilant eye,
till the day my bullet meets his jaw.
sobbing in the corner, pathetic and meek.
The man whom I will put out of MY misery, no pity for the weak. I think you can lose MY here, we know who it is and it throws the meter off.
Hand violently shaking I slowly pull the trigger.
One shot to the head, time to ring the grave digger...
After the shot, I think you could lose these 4 lines, and use L5 instead of your last line.
no more pain,
no more tears,
I felt completely free.
For the first time in my life my soul was at ease.
Raising up from the body I look down and see,
The man whom I despise, the man I killed... It was me..
RE: No pity for the weak. - Ryan_w_r - 03-29-2014
(03-29-2014, 01:30 AM)Wildcard Wrote: Hi Ryan,
There is a pretty good vibe going with this, but sometimes I felt that your rhymes felt forced. Since this is in novice, I'll not do line-by-line, but I did want to note that the portion that reads 'The man whom I will put out of MY misery' does not (in my opinion) need the CAPS on 'my'. Allow the simple meaning to soak into the reader a little more slowly.
Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for reading and leaving a comment. To avoid it in the future what felt forced? Almost all of my writing has end rhymes (which I have come to find that "poets" on this forum strongly dislike) personally.. I think the rhyme makes sense... I'm not bending words.. Nor placing words just for the same of the rhyme. Also out of curiosity.. How do you feel about rhyme in poetry?
RE: No pity for the weak. - Wildcard - 03-29-2014
I wasn't overly fond of the way 'grave digger' was inserted . . . the line was a little long and the rhyme stuck out 'like a sore thumb' if you'll allow the simile.
Other times the rhymes are a little too predictable (for such a serious piece) like S2 L2 & L4, but this could just be personal taste.
I am a fan of both rhyming and non-rhyming poetry, to answer the other question.
Please take my criticisms with a grain of salt.
RE: No pity for the weak. - milo - 03-29-2014
(03-29-2014, 01:42 AM)Ryan_w_r Wrote:I think end rhymes are /very/ popular on this forum. There is a keen understanding on this forum that end rhymes need proper meter and that may be what you are detecting. This piece lacks meter so the rhymes end up sounding "clunky".(03-29-2014, 01:30 AM)Wildcard Wrote: Hi Ryan,
There is a pretty good vibe going with this, but sometimes I felt that your rhymes felt forced. Since this is in novice, I'll not do line-by-line, but I did want to note that the portion that reads 'The man whom I will put out of MY misery' does not (in my opinion) need the CAPS on 'my'. Allow the simple meaning to soak into the reader a little more slowly.
Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for reading and leaving a comment. To avoid it in the future what felt forced? Almost all of my writing has end rhymes (which I have come to find that "poets" on this forum strongly dislike) personally.. I think the rhyme makes sense... I'm not bending words.. Nor placing words just for the same of the rhyme. Also out of curiosity.. How do you feel about rhyme in poetry?
Thanks for posting.
RE: No pity for the weak. - Erthona - 03-29-2014
I think you could do without
"Raising up from the body I look down and see,
The man whom I despise, the man I killed... It was me.."
It was pretty obvious about half way through that the speaker was talking about himself, it's certainly obvious before these two last lines.
I agree with what everyone has said about the rhymes, no need to recap.
I think it would benefit the poem to stay in present tense, it would give it a greater sense of immediacy, which strengthens the emotional connection to the reader.
"Where does this hate come from,
I really can't say...
but it is real,
growing everyday."
"After the shot,
no more pain,
no more tears,
I feel completely free.
For the first time in my life
my soul is at ease."
Best,
Dale
RE: No pity for the weak. - Carousal - 03-29-2014
I agree with the above, I got the punch line after the second stanza, not much to add to what’s been said already except don’t put a bullet through the jaw. It bloody hurts and most likely wouldn’t get the job done.