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Farewell - DeviousKid45 - 07-02-2013
Once upon an afternoon,
Oh the silence I behold, this desperate moon,
Comes a fleeting ghost--never kind, never weary,
Oh the dreary of it all, as thoughts consumed me,
As I behold, the greater distance of it all,
Bold upon my courage, never thought of thoughts,
Just act of acts, and mistake of acts,
As I state my facts, only saying,
Turns the hearsay of facts,
Becoming false, and sorrow rises,
As the damage of mistakes--can never take it back,
I plead forgiveness, and I was given none,
Only silence like the void,
I plead for punishment, and I was given silence,
Only silence like the void,
I had no answer for my questions,
For questions they were not,
Gentle pleadings turning desperate,
Turning harsher than the harshest sand,
Sharper than the sharpest blade,
Now enduring silence, as life has drained me,
No more pain, as the final pain has risen,
No more life, no more sorrow,
Just the silence of the void,
Embracing eternal silence of the void.
RE: Farewell - tectak - 07-02-2013
(07-02-2013, 01:22 AM)DeviousKid45 Wrote: Once upon an afternoon,Hmmm.... The structure is a bit unsettling to the eye. The poem seems to be all over the place...
Oh the silence I behold, this desperate moon,
Comes a fleeting ghost--never kind, never weary,
Oh the dreary of it all, as thoughts consumed me,
As I behold, the greater distance of it all,
Bold upon my courage, never thought of thoughts,
Just act of acts, and mistake of acts,
As I state my facts, only saying,
Turns the hearsay of facts,
Becoming false, and sorrow rises,
As the damage of mistakes--can never take it back,
I plead forgiveness, and I was given none,
Only silence like the void,
I plead for punishment, and I was given silence,
Only silence like the void,
I had no answer for my questions,
For questions they were not,
Gentle pleadings turning desperate,
Turning harsher than the harshest sand,
Sharper than the sharpest blade,
Now enduring silence, as life has drained me,
No more pain, as the final pain has risen,
No more life, no more sorrow,
Just the silence of the void,
Embracing eternal silence of the void.
...and don't say this is crap crit......you wrote it!
tectak
RE: Farewell - Leanne - 07-02-2013
This poem has been moved from the Serious Critique forum. The forum rules (at the top of the page when you open a forum) state that you may only post in Serious Critique if
Quote:- you have already posted at least one considered, suitably detailed comment on someone else's poem in this or another critique forum
If you are not sure how to write a suitable critique, you will find many examples in the forum. These tips will also be helpful.
/admin
RE: Farewell - tectak - 07-02-2013
(07-02-2013, 05:50 AM)Leanne Wrote: This poem has been moved from the Serious Critique forum. The forum rules (at the top of the page when you open a forum) state that you may only post in Serious Critique ifEyes like a shit-house rat, that leanne!
Quote:- you have already posted at least one considered, suitably detailed comment on someone else's poem in this or another critique forum
If you are not sure how to write a suitable critique, you will find many examples in the forum. These tips will also be helpful.
/admin