Forgiveness


I forgive myself
For the failures of yesterday
I will not live in the past
Nor let it burden me with guilt
I will learn from my mistakes
But they will not define me

I forgive others
For the wrongs of days gone by
I will live in the moment
Yet embrace the journey taken
I will draw upon wisdom gained
From my trials, and my blessings

I choose to forgive
For He has forgiven me
I choose to love
For He has loved me
I will walk in the light
For He has shown me the way

Hello,

This simple poem effectively conveys a message of self-acceptance, learning from mistakes, and embracing both present and past experiences. The structure is clear, and the repetition of the phrase "I forgive" emphasizes the theme without sounding gimmicky. And the spiritual/religious element adds a moral compass to the poem.
However, there are quite a few cliches in it: "I will not live in the past", "I will learn from my mistakes", "I will live in the moment", "He has shown me the way"... and some that are skirting very close to cliches, like the idea of "not being defined by one's past mistakes" and "embracing the journey taken". With such a pared down poem these aphoristic cliches really stand out—and not necessarily in a good way.
Also, consider refining some lines for smoother flow, like in the second stanza, where you could potentially experiment with variations to enhance rhythm—yet, it isn't terribly clunky, anyway, so do with that what you will.
Finally, with such a deliberately tight poem it's probably redundant to say you should "add" things, but maybe consider putting in some specific experiences that could make it less abstract, less aphoristic, and more personal—and it will give the cliches a softer landing, if you decide to keep them in.

Hope this helps. Thanks for sharing it.

(12-03-2023, 09:08 PM)Pike Wrote:  Hello,

This simple poem effectively conveys a message of self-acceptance, learning from mistakes, and embracing both present and past experiences. The structure is clear, and the repetition of the phrase "I forgive" emphasizes the theme without sounding gimmicky. And the spiritual/religious element adds a moral compass to the poem.
However, there are quite a few cliches in it: "I will not live in the past", "I will learn from my mistakes", "I will live in the moment", "He has shown me the way"... and some that are skirting very close to cliches, like the idea of "not being defined by one's past mistakes" and "embracing the journey taken". With such a pared down poem these aphoristic cliches really stand out—and not necessarily in a good way.
Also, consider refining some lines for smoother flow, like in the second stanza, where you could potentially experiment with variations to enhance rhythm—yet, it isn't terribly clunky, anyway, so do with that what you will.
Finally, with such a deliberately tight poem it's probably redundant to say you should "add" things, but maybe consider putting in some specific experiences that could make it less abstract, less aphoristic, and more personal—and it will give the cliches a softer landing, if you decide to keep them in.

Hope this helps. Thanks for sharing it.

Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate what you have said, and I understand. I truly appreciate you taking the time to read it and analyze it.

What I will say in response is that I guess it comes down to "the purpose" of a poem, not poems in general, but each individual poem (at least in my opinion). This poem is declarative ... it is a mantra of sorts, and as such no ambiguity or vagueness or cleverness suits that purpose. It "needs" to be straightforward, it needs to flow off the tongue when read aloud or recited (I wanted it to be easy to memorize). I hope that it is something that anyone who is struggling with forgiveness (or has struggled in the past with it) can grasp a hold of. It emerged from my unconsciousness in my own struggles with forgiveness.

(12-04-2023, 07:24 AM)CircleWalker Wrote:  

(12-03-2023, 09:08 PM)Pike Wrote:  Hello,

This simple poem effectively conveys a message of self-acceptance, learning from mistakes, and embracing both present and past experiences. The structure is clear, and the repetition of the phrase "I forgive" emphasizes the theme without sounding gimmicky. And the spiritual/religious element adds a moral compass to the poem.
However, there are quite a few cliches in it: "I will not live in the past", "I will learn from my mistakes", "I will live in the moment", "He has shown me the way"... and some that are skirting very close to cliches, like the idea of "not being defined by one's past mistakes" and "embracing the journey taken". With such a pared down poem these aphoristic cliches really stand out—and not necessarily in a good way.
Also, consider refining some lines for smoother flow, like in the second stanza, where you could potentially experiment with variations to enhance rhythm—yet, it isn't terribly clunky, anyway, so do with that what you will.
Finally, with such a deliberately tight poem it's probably redundant to say you should "add" things, but maybe consider putting in some specific experiences that could make it less abstract, less aphoristic, and more personal—and it will give the cliches a softer landing, if you decide to keep them in.

Hope this helps. Thanks for sharing it.

Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate what you have said, and I understand. I truly appreciate you taking the time to read it and analyze it.

What I will say in response is that I guess it comes down to "the purpose" of a poem, not poems in general, but each individual poem (at least in my opinion). This poem is declarative ... it is a mantra of sorts, and as such no ambiguity or vagueness or cleverness suits that purpose. It "needs" to be straightforward, it needs to flow off the tongue when read aloud or recited (I wanted it to be easy to memorize). I hope that it is something that anyone who is struggling with forgiveness (or has struggled in the past with it) can grasp a hold of. It emerged from my unconsciousness in my own struggles with forgiveness.

I completely understand. I hope my critique didn't come off as too harsh. And you are correct, the purpose of this poem is clarity. It's saying something straight. Clarity and affirmation. Which it does perfectly and succinctly—as I said the cliches aren't necessarily a good thing, but they aren't necessarily a bad thing, either. 
Maybe you could explore this idea of forgiveness in a future poem(s) and give a more personal take. It could make a nice sequel, in the romantic tradition.

(12-04-2023, 08:09 AM)Pike Wrote:  

(12-04-2023, 07:24 AM)CircleWalker Wrote:  

(12-03-2023, 09:08 PM)Pike Wrote:  Hello,

This simple poem effectively conveys a message of self-acceptance, learning from mistakes, and embracing both present and past experiences. The structure is clear, and the repetition of the phrase "I forgive" emphasizes the theme without sounding gimmicky. And the spiritual/religious element adds a moral compass to the poem.
However, there are quite a few cliches in it: "I will not live in the past", "I will learn from my mistakes", "I will live in the moment", "He has shown me the way"... and some that are skirting very close to cliches, like the idea of "not being defined by one's past mistakes" and "embracing the journey taken". With such a pared down poem these aphoristic cliches really stand out—and not necessarily in a good way.
Also, consider refining some lines for smoother flow, like in the second stanza, where you could potentially experiment with variations to enhance rhythm—yet, it isn't terribly clunky, anyway, so do with that what you will.
Finally, with such a deliberately tight poem it's probably redundant to say you should "add" things, but maybe consider putting in some specific experiences that could make it less abstract, less aphoristic, and more personal—and it will give the cliches a softer landing, if you decide to keep them in.

Hope this helps. Thanks for sharing it.

Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate what you have said, and I understand. I truly appreciate you taking the time to read it and analyze it.

What I will say in response is that I guess it comes down to "the purpose" of a poem, not poems in general, but each individual poem (at least in my opinion). This poem is declarative ... it is a mantra of sorts, and as such no ambiguity or vagueness or cleverness suits that purpose. It "needs" to be straightforward, it needs to flow off the tongue when read aloud or recited (I wanted it to be easy to memorize). I hope that it is something that anyone who is struggling with forgiveness (or has struggled in the past with it) can grasp a hold of. It emerged from my unconsciousness in my own struggles with forgiveness.

I completely understand. I hope my critique didn't come off as too harsh. And you are correct, the purpose of this poem is clarity. It's saying something straight. Clarity and affirmation. Which it does perfectly and succinctly—as I said the cliches aren't necessarily a good thing, but they aren't necessarily a bad thing, either. 
Maybe you could explore this idea of forgiveness in a future poem(s) and give a more personal take. It could make a nice sequel, in the romantic tradition.

I wanted you to know that I didn't think your critique was too harsh. Your comments caused me to think in a more critical way about my poem, and "forced" me to find words to explain its purpose. Being as that was my first poem submitted here, I was somewhat concerned about how I would feel when someone critiqued it. I am pleased to report that I was not as thin-skinned as I feared I might be. It appears that you are also a fairly new member, and I want to again thank you for commenting. I enjoyed discussing poetry with you.

(12-04-2023, 10:35 AM)CircleWalker Wrote:  

(12-04-2023, 08:09 AM)Pike Wrote:  

(12-04-2023, 07:24 AM)CircleWalker Wrote:  Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate what you have said, and I understand. I truly appreciate you taking the time to read it and analyze it.

What I will say in response is that I guess it comes down to "the purpose" of a poem, not poems in general, but each individual poem (at least in my opinion). This poem is declarative ... it is a mantra of sorts, and as such no ambiguity or vagueness or cleverness suits that purpose. It "needs" to be straightforward, it needs to flow off the tongue when read aloud or recited (I wanted it to be easy to memorize). I hope that it is something that anyone who is struggling with forgiveness (or has struggled in the past with it) can grasp a hold of. It emerged from my unconsciousness in my own struggles with forgiveness.

I completely understand. I hope my critique didn't come off as too harsh. And you are correct, the purpose of this poem is clarity. It's saying something straight. Clarity and affirmation. Which it does perfectly and succinctly—as I said the cliches aren't necessarily a good thing, but they aren't necessarily a bad thing, either. 
Maybe you could explore this idea of forgiveness in a future poem(s) and give a more personal take. It could make a nice sequel, in the romantic tradition.

I wanted you to know that I didn't think your critique was too harsh. Your comments caused me to think in a more critical way about my poem, and "forced" me to find words to explain its purpose. Being as that was my first poem submitted here, I was somewhat concerned about how I would feel when someone critiqued it. I am pleased to report that I was not as thin-skinned as I feared I might be. It appears that you are also a fairly new member, and I want to again thank you for commenting. I enjoyed discussing poetry with you.

This kind of attitude quickly results in better writing. Damn, you caught on quick. Looking forward to more.

(12-04-2023, 11:12 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  

(12-04-2023, 10:35 AM)CircleWalker Wrote:  

(12-04-2023, 08:09 AM)Pike Wrote:  I completely understand. I hope my critique didn't come off as too harsh. And you are correct, the purpose of this poem is clarity. It's saying something straight. Clarity and affirmation. Which it does perfectly and succinctly—as I said the cliches aren't necessarily a good thing, but they aren't necessarily a bad thing, either. 
Maybe you could explore this idea of forgiveness in a future poem(s) and give a more personal take. It could make a nice sequel, in the romantic tradition.

I wanted you to know that I didn't think your critique was too harsh. Your comments caused me to think in a more critical way about my poem, and "forced" me to find words to explain its purpose. Being as that was my first poem submitted here, I was somewhat concerned about how I would feel when someone critiqued it. I am pleased to report that I was not as thin-skinned as I feared I might be. It appears that you are also a fairly new member, and I want to again thank you for commenting. I enjoyed discussing poetry with you.

This kind of attitude quickly results in better writing. Damn, you caught on quick. Looking forward to more.

Thanks for the encouragement.

(12-04-2023, 07:24 AM)CircleWalker Wrote:   ... it is a mantra of sorts, 

Hi,

This is what I felt reading the poem.  Thus, I wasn't sure anything I could suggest would be of any use, since a mantra is so supremely personal.  I do have one suggestion which is to change the order of the first two stanzas.  It seems to me you would want to forgive others before you can forgive yourself.  This may be one of those personal things that make it a matra for you, so, just a suggestion.

It does come off the tongue as a prayer.

TqB

(12-05-2023, 01:46 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  

(12-04-2023, 07:24 AM)CircleWalker Wrote:   ... it is a mantra of sorts, 

Hi,

This is what I felt reading the poem.  Thus, I wasn't sure anything I could suggest would be of any use, since a mantra is so supremely personal.  I do have one suggestion which is to change the order of the first two stanzas.  It seems to me you would want to forgive others before you can forgive yourself.  This may be one of those personal things that make it a matra for you, so, just a suggestion.

It does come off the tongue as a prayer.

TqB

Thanks for reading and commenting. I apologize if this is considered oversharing, but I want to respond properly/fully to what you wrote.

This poem is personal. I'm sure that most/many poems are very personal to the writer, but poetry has become an extremely unexpected outlet for me. It truly is tangible evidence of a change in me. I went over 40 years between poems. I wrote one as a senior in HS that was published in the school newspaper (the poem was an assignment in English class). Then, less than a month after a significant change in my personal life, a poem burst out of me as a way to tell my story in a vague and abbreviated manner.

The poem above is my 3rd poem as an adult, written almost exactly a year after the 1st. An old hurt had resurfaced for no reason whatsoever, and I couldn't seem to let it go. It had no relevance in my life and the person was no longer in my life. I needed the wounds to heal.

After a restless night, I got up determined to "do something" in order to move forward, and decided to write a mantra, or at least attempt to. As I began to write, the mantra clearly became more of a poem ... this poem. When I sat down to write, all of my conscious focus was on this person, or to be more honest ... a couple of people. who had hurt me in the past in completely different ways. Yet, the first line that I wrote was, "I forgive myself".

I have learned to listen rather than lead when I write, and this was a great example of that. I discovered that I couldn't forgive anyone else until I had forgiven myself. For things that I had done, and things that I had not done. After accepting that guidance, the rest of the poem flowed over a 3-4 hour period. One stanza at a time. The poem above says exactly what I wrote that day during those hours. Every line has the same meaning and purpose, though 5 lines were tweaked over the next week or so.

I'm sorry to be so long-winded. I appreciate all you comments and suggestions, and your recognition that the poem comes off the tongue as a prayer.

Blessings

(12-05-2023, 11:24 AM)CircleWalker Wrote:  

(12-05-2023, 01:46 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  

(12-04-2023, 07:24 AM)CircleWalker Wrote:   ... it is a mantra of sorts, 

Hi,

This is what I felt reading the poem.  Thus, I wasn't sure anything I could suggest would be of any use, since a mantra is so supremely personal.  I do have one suggestion which is to change the order of the first two stanzas.  It seems to me you would want to forgive others before you can forgive yourself.  This may be one of those personal things that make it a matra for you, so, just a suggestion.

It does come off the tongue as a prayer.

TqB

Thanks for reading and commenting. I apologize if this is considered oversharing, but I want to respond properly/fully to what you wrote.

This poem is personal. I'm sure that most/many poems are very personal to the writer, but poetry has become an extremely unexpected outlet for me. It truly is tangible evidence of a change in me. I went over 40 years between poems. I wrote one as a senior in HS that was published in the school newspaper (the poem was an assignment in English class). Then, less than a month after a significant change in my personal life, a poem burst out of me as a way to tell my story in a vague and abbreviated manner.

The poem above is my 3rd poem as an adult, written almost exactly a year after the 1st. An old hurt had resurfaced for no reason whatsoever, and I couldn't seem to let it go. It had no relevance in my life and the person was no longer in my life. I needed the wounds to heal.

After a restless night, I got up determined to "do something" in order to move forward, and decided to write a mantra, or at least attempt to. As I began to write, the mantra clearly became more of a poem ... this poem. When I sat down to write, all of my conscious focus was on this person, or to be more honest ... a couple of people. who had hurt me in the past in completely different ways. Yet, the first line that I wrote was, "I forgive myself".

I have learned to listen rather than lead when I write, and this was a great example of that. I discovered that I couldn't forgive anyone else until I had forgiven myself. For things that I had done, and things that I had not done. After accepting that guidance, the rest of the poem flowed over a 3-4 hour period. One stanza at a time. The poem above says exactly what I wrote that day during those hours. Every line has the same meaning and purpose, though 5 lines were tweaked over the next week or so.

I'm sorry to be so long-winded. I appreciate all you comments and suggestions, and your recognition that the poem comes off the tongue as a prayer.

Blessings

Catharsis is a moving target. As new poets we try to first nail it down with personal stories. Then with metaphor and allegory. With practice, we learn to speak our truths in a voice understandable on wider levels while keeping the truth our own. It's a challenge for sure. This is a solid beginning.

I am truly grateful for the insight. I don't really know what I expected when I started this thread, but the exchanges have been more than I could have ever imagined.

I've been struggling the last few days or so about whether or not to post this. But I'm going to give into this inner pull that I feel, and hope that the moderators find this acceptable.

Last week, my older brother died. He had had many struggles over many years and had burned many bridges multiple times. I am purposely choosing to be vague, and I hope you guys understand.

This "Forgiveness" poem poured out of me almost 7 years ago under circumstances unrelated to him. Yet, here it is ... available to me when I need it again. I have shared it with others as they walk through their own need to heal, and they seem to have found it comforting.

Poetry is powerful, despite the fact that it has lost much of its popularity. One of the reasons that it has lost its appeal to the masses seems to be that most people are just so impatient. They are unwilling to ponder on things. Unwilling to be quiet. Unwilling to close their eyes ... to just listen and think.

This poem is pretty straightforward. Purposefully so. As I grow as a poet, my hope is that my poetry will be accessible, yet deep. I hope to paint pictures ... to express deep emotions ... to deal with the complexities and meaning of life with rhythm and brevity. Blessings

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(IMPORTANT NOTE: If for whatever reason you are interested in responding to or commenting on my post above about my brother, please do not post it here for that would not be consistent with the purpose of a critique forum, and I respect that. It is also posted on the Poetry Discussion board and you may comment there if you so desire. I do however want to leave my post here also, because it is relevant to my poem.)

(12-03-2023, 03:08 PM)CircleWalker Wrote:  Forgiveness


I forgive myself
For the failures of yesterday
I will not live in the past
Nor let it burden me with guilt
I will learn from my mistakes
But they will not define me

I forgive others
For the wrongs of days gone by
I will live in the moment
Yet embrace the journey taken
I will draw upon wisdom gained
From my trials, and my blessings

I choose to forgive
For He has forgiven me
I choose to love
For He has loved me
I will walk in the light
For He has shown me the way

Hello, friend,

What is it like when God forgives you?

How does it feel to be loved?

What is the quality of this light?

What you have written are like the starting points. Now there is an invitation to make it truly your own. Don’t let someone else’s words smother something so personal.