I remember the times when I was happy.
When I could be free with my words.
A time that felt more alive.
In that time lived a young man.
Who saw the world with bright eyes.
The air was crisp, and my steps moved in straight lines.
I use to smile then.
My voice was full of laughter.
Every where I went my libido would follow after.
I was brave.
There was no fear in me.
I was young, and foolish to think I could live forever.
I look at those times when I ruled the world.
It brings a smile to these cracked lips and wrinkled cheeks.
My blurry eyes drop a few tears in remembrance of forgotten years.
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An Old Mans Memory.
I remember the times when I was happy.
When I could be free with my words.
A time that felt more alive.(how can a particular time feel alive? Perhaps ‘a time when I felt more alive.”)
In that time lived a young man.
Who saw the world with bright eyes.
The air was crisp, and my steps moved in straight lines.(the air was crisp adds nothing to this)
I use(d) to smile then.
My voice was full of laughter.
Every where I went my libido would follow after. (makes it sound as if your libido is a separate entity!)
I was brave.
There was no fear in me.
I was young, and foolish to think I could live forever. (repetition of young boring)
I look at those times when I ruled the world. ( you don’t look at times past, you recall them...ruled the world? As in global king? Perhaps ‘I recall those times when I ruled my world’)
It brings a smile to these cracked lips and wrinkled cheeks. (so it makes him happy)
My blurry eyes drop a few tears in remembrance of forgotten years. (yet here he cries)
Moping Musings make for poor poetry I’ve found, and this poem doesn’t really say much, it’s just some old man musing about how life was better when he was young. Still, Ive read worse. Welcome to the site Marianne
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(04-30-2014, 10:57 AM)George Wrote: (04-27-2014, 08:28 PM)Mopkins Wrote: It brings a smile to these cracked lips and wrinkled cheeks. (so it makes him happy)
My blurry eyes drop a few tears in remembrance of forgotten years. (yet here he cries)
Haven't you heard of nostalgic tears? ._.
Of course, but this smiling and crying in the last two lines make it unclear whether these memories induce happiness or sadness. nostalgic tears are usually over memories which make one happy, and as hes now sad remembering his happy days, nostalgic tears don't seem to fit. I still think having both crying and smiling makes it a bit murky. just my ten cents worth.
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for me it's too wordy cut, and keep the the parts that show us something of your memory, don't keep the parts that tell us something of them.
the title tells us what the poems all about so no need for "when i were a lad" etc.
An Old Mans Memory.
I remember
the times when I was happy.
When I
could be free with my words.
use [was]
A time
that felt more alive. [that lived]
and then the 1st line of 2nd really adds very little and each line thereafter is likewise loaded with filler.
(04-26-2014, 09:12 AM)Lock Key Wrote: I remember the times when I was happy.
When I could be free with my words.
A time that felt more alive.
In that time lived a young man.
Who saw the world with bright eyes.
The air was crisp, and my steps moved in straight lines. this line works though air crisp is cliche. this line isn't just fluff. it actually shows us something.
I use to smile then.
My voice was full of laughter.
Every where I went my libido would follow after.
I was brave.
There was no fear in me.
I was young, and foolish to think I could live forever.
I look at those times when I ruled the world.
It brings a smile to these cracked lips and wrinkled cheeks.
My blurry eyes drop a few tears in remembrance of forgotten years.
