Cry for Help

[Loveblind]

I wear my disguise
Till I arrive at my house
Later at night
Where I dim the lights
Low,
Close the blinds

Then break down and cry
The flowing tears hitting the paper
Echoing through out the room
The words you said to me
Paralyzing my mind

Sending animosity through my bones
Leaving insecurities that show on my face
A constant on going battle between
The thoughts that are overpowering my brain
And what I`m trying to avoid feeling in my heart

The plastic smile fades deep into the dark room
No make up, but a covered alter ego
That escapes when I detach myself from
reality,
and I become who I really am
when no one is around
to criticize me

the edited version

This disguise
worn till I arrive home
Later at night
I dim the lights
Low,
Close the blinds

then break down and cry
flowing tears hit the paper
echoes throughout the room
words you said
paralyze my mind

leaving insecurities
that show on my face
constant on going battle
between the thoughts
that is overpowering my brain
and what I am trying to avoid

the plastic smile fades
deep into the dark room
no makeup,
but a covered alter ego

that escapes when I
detach myself from reality
and I become who I really am
when no one is around
to see the ugly me

[addy]

This must have been really tough to write. Kudos.

I wear my disguise
Till I arrive at my house
Later at night
Where I dim the lights
Low, I like how you did this in its own line
Close the blinds

Then break down and cry
The flowing tears hitting the paper
Echoing through out the room
The words you said to me
Paralyzing my mind

Sending animosity through my bones
Leaving insecurities that show on my face a little telly... you can compress it using images "misery cracking through my bones, my face"
A constant on going battle between
The thoughts that are overpowering my brain
And what I`m trying to avoid feeling in my heart these last two lines seem long. Again, show, don't tell.

The plastic smile fades deep into the dark room
No make up, but a covered alter ego
That escapes when I detach myself from
reality, doesn't need its own line
and I become who I really am
when no one is around
to criticize me being the last lines, try to make them stand out ("when no one is around _ to see _ the ugly me")

Thank you for the poem, LB.

P.S. I noticed that a lot of your poems seemed really personal. Maybe you'd rather post some of it in the Mild Critique section instead? In the serious critique section, I worry that you might feel too much like we're trying to tell you how to write your poem. Maybe you might feel discouraged or unduly pressured, when your primary purpose is to really express yourself through poetry. I myself post to the mild critique section... you get the same kind of constructive criticism, without the comments sounding too 'nitpicky'.

Never mind if I'm misinterpreting, though

[billy]

I wear my disguise
Till I arrive at my house
Later at night
Where I dim the lights
Low,....this line has a lot more power the would be thought possible
Close the blinds

Then break down and cry
The flowing tears hitting hit the paper...are the the's needed
Echoing echo through out the room....throughout
The words you said to me...is the and to me needed?
Paralyzing my mind paralyze

work the next two stanza in the same way.

Sending animosity through my bones
Leaving insecurities that show on my face
A constant on going battle between
The thoughts that are overpowering my brain
And what I`m trying to avoid feeling in my heart

The plastic smile fades deep into the dark room
No make up, but a covered alter ego
That escapes when I detach myself from
reality,
and I become who I really am
when no one is around
to criticize me

i think it could be cropped. at the moment it's all i'm and my and i etc.

the best way i can do a comment is by showing you what i mean love blind.

This disguise
worn till I arrive home.
Later at night
I dim the lights
Low,
Close the blinds

for me. i think you have to strip away some of the poem to make it bigger (does that make sense) thanks for the read LB

[billy]

I wear my disguise
Till I arrive at my house
Later at night
Where I dim the lights
Low,
Close the blinds

Then break down and cry
The flowing tears hitting the paper
Echoing through out the room
The words you said to me
Paralyzing my mind

Sending animosity through my bones
Leaving insecurities that show on my face
A constant on going battle between
The thoughts that are overpowering my brain
And what I`m trying to avoid feeling in my heart

The plastic smile fades deep into the dark room
No make up, but a covered alter ego
That escapes when I detach myself from
reality,
and I become who I really am
when no one is around
to criticize me

the edited version

This disguise
worn till I arrive home
Later at night
I dim the lights
Low,
Close the blinds

then break down and cry
flowing tears hit the paper
echoes throughout the room
words you said
paralyze my mind

leaving insecurities
that show on my face
constant on going battle
between the thoughts
that is overpowering my brain are not is
and what I am trying to avoid

the plastic smile fades
deep into the dark room
no makeup,
but a covered alter ego

that escapes when I
detach myself from reality
and I become who I really am
when no one is around
to see the ugly me

for me, the revision is much better LB.

[addy]

Wow, great edit LB!

The only thing I'd contract is a few lines in the third stanza:
"constant ongoing battle
between the thoughts
overpowering my brain (or if you want, "that overpower me")
and what I try to avoid"

It's really much improved LB. The others might have more constructive criticism but for me I liked how it turned out