Daytime Drama
#1
one-legged hop
into drip-dried Levi's
tacky headbanger hairdos
antagonized by tugged t-shirts
sock-less feet stuffed into unlaced shoes
silent smiles shared

last glance at the lonely stream
once churning with giggles and sun fire,
courses darker now
as light abandons
to flirt with blushing clouds.

AvariciousApathist Orignally Wrote:one-legged hop
into drip-dried Levi's
tacky headbanger hairdos
antagonized by tugged t-shirts
sock-less feet stuffed into unlaced shoes
silent smiles shared

last glance at the bustling stream
once churning with giggles and sun fire,
coursing darker now.
light abandoning
to flirt with blushing clouds
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#2
Call me crazy, but, especially after reading the title, I think you could swap the stanzas. The "Last glance..." line is a great intro because it creates the setting well in my opinion. Your current first stanza has a pretty quick momentum with its sounds that mesh well together and alliteration; interestingly, I think the "silent smiles shared", though shorter than the other lines, got most of my attention as I was reading and I think would make a strong ending.

I definitely pick up the sinister tone with your word choice, with words like "drip," "tacky," "antagonized," "stuffed," "last," etc. nicely done carrying it throughout the piece.
Written only for you to consider.
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#3
(10-04-2011, 10:11 PM)AvariciousApathist Wrote:  one-legged hop
into drip-dried Levi's
tacky headbanger hairdos
antagonized by tugged t-shirts
sock-less feet stuffed into unlaced shoes
silent smiles shared

last glance at the bustling stream
once churning with giggles and sun fire,
coursing darker now.
light abandoning
to flirt with blushing clouds

Hi AA
I liked the first stanza- it connects I am sure with most of us... well quite a lot of us, and reader can share those smiles almost conspiratorially.

I felt that maybe the second stanza had rather too many gerunds (..ings)- one per line took away much of the momentum and impact of the poem. Never the less, I did like the
'to flirt with blushing clouds'
That somehow feels just right.

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#4
Philatone,
Hi and thanks for reading. Believe it or not, I had the idea of reversing the stanzas, but in the end, I went with 'blushing clouds' . . . I may yet change it. Thanks for the suggestions and the compliments.

Stef,
I thank you for the kind words and I will take the gerund count into consideration although I must admit I don't undersand exactly. Once or twice I've seen the gerund thing come up but I really don't understand what is wrong with using them. I guess I'll have to get off my butt and find out. Thanks for reading and feedback. Smile
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#5
AA, gerunds are quite passive and a little bit ordinary -- they generally lack the punch and immediacy of an un-inged verb (it's a word now, dammit!). However, the -ing words you've used here aren't technically gerunds, since they're verbs acting as adjectives and not nouns (or verb acting as verb, just in the passive sense, in the case of "abandoning" -- you could use "abandons" instead, to strengthen). I agree that there are too many -ings in a small space, whether gerunds or not, however -- and that's purely because the sound becomes repetitive, drawing attention away from the main part of the word. Instead of "churning", "that once churned" would do well enough. I'd leave "blushing clouds", that's pretty.

Hope that helps a bit.
It could be worse
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#6
This definitely has a lot of energy in it. I like how it doesn't spell out the whole scene, but gives lots of quick snapshots that make it just revealing and just intriguing enough.

Agree with Philatone that "silent smiles shared" seems to draw attention... I think it's because the lines before read in a more frenetic pace while "silent smiles shared" seems longer, stretched out. It kind of puts the brakes on around that point, which works as a break into the following stanza with its different, more thoughtful tone. If I had to pick a nit, maybe choose a different descriptor to stream other than "bustling", since "churning" in the next line fills the intent quite well. Just a thought, though.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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#7
(10-04-2011, 10:11 PM)AvariciousApathist Wrote:  one-legged hop
into drip-dried Levi's
tacky headbanger hairdos
antagonized by tugged t-shirts
sock-less feet stuffed into unlaced shoes
silent smiles shared

last glance at the bustling stream
once churning with giggles and sun fire,
coursing darker now.
light abandoning
to flirt with blushing clouds
i'm with stef on the gerund (ing word) count in the 2nd verse. it wouldn't be that hard to change at least 3 of them.

for me hop works better on the second line.
silent smiles shared i good poetically but here feels a little forced.

it reads as though it's about skinny dipping, if so then the smile line i said wasn't needed would work as a last line i think.

the 1st verse for me was great, brought back a few memories hehe.
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#8
Leanne,
   I'm gonna have to start sending you guys donations for all the cool stuff you check me on. I'll definitely look into cleaning up the last stanza and I really like the particular suggestions you made. Thanks for reading and for the feedback.

addy,
   'Silent smiles shared' was an after thought really. I appreciate the nice things you said and for providing feedback. 'Bustling' could be better. Now that you've pointed it out I would have to agree. Will definitely go back and have a look at that. You've given me some valuable input. Thanks a lot.

Billy,
   Thanks for reading and feedback. I will look at moving 'hop' and re-evaluate the triple 's' line. Thanks for a pleasant and honest critique.
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#9
Yes, there are no gerunds here. A gerund is like a verb-noun--- for example 'my critiquing you is well crap'. It has a predicate 'is', but also an object 'you'.

BTW, some European Intellectual has invented this new thing --- Main Verbs! Big Grin

Seriously, I loved the way it kicked off, but felt, as I often do, that it was possibly two poems, yoked wrongly to-gether.
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#10
The poem does kind of change gears mid-way. I'll see if I can't soften the transitions some. Thanks for your input abu.

I did an edit based on some of the suggestions I received. Tell me what you think. Smile
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#11
(10-04-2011, 10:11 PM)AvariciousApathist Wrote:  one-legged hop
into drip-dried Levi's
tacky headbanger hairdos
antagonized by tugged t-shirts
sock-less feet stuffed into unlaced shoes
silent smiles shared

last glance at the lonely stream
once churning with giggles and sun fire,
courses darker now ---I stopped at this line. I think I would prefer the adverb at the start, to get "now courses darker"- the /o/ sounds of work well together. it also would help the flow syntactically for me, it makes the missing subject of "courses" in that line a less noticeable. should it be "more darkly"? .
as light abandons --it? or maybe "leaves" for "abandons"?
to flirt with blushing clouds.

i might have gotten caught too much in grammar; if so, take what you want. I wonder if you need punctuation in the second stanza if it wasn't in the first. I think you still have an alright piece right here, nice work.

Written only for you to consider.
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#12
Thanks for checking out the edit. I like it better now, but I will still look for ways to improve it. Will definitely consider your suggestions.
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