Beasts of Burden

[Leanne]

My friend the camel learned to fly in the wasteland. He
was golden with water dreams, but pockmarked
from the toes down and across his unshadowed page.
I didn’t know how to drink without a tongue and he
had forgotten how to be a cup.

We learned in grey and salt. He would stamp on my spit
until it ran greening into parchment cracks or
– slitherwise as the taipan –
tricked the grass into bloom.

I watched him hollow, stretch, thin, sway,
muddy and cough. Sunsets tripped over his brow,
worn now to wax-bright whispering.

I found wings on the redgum’s bank, fluttering
out of waterlily reach. I frightened them, but he was close
behind to soothe. They tapped his shoulders and he smiled
his last drink for me.

[Todd]

Hi Leanne,

I need to give this one some more thought. I need to work through it some more first.

---

Hi Leanne,

This took some time and I'm sure that I'm missing quite a bit. Hopefully, this ramble of a critique will be helpful to you.

Beasts of Burden--when I consider the title after reading the poem, I am struck by the fact that it is plural not simply beast which points toward the transformation alluded to at the ending. We assume that the camel carries the speaker but the question is what is the speaker's burden.

My friend the camel learned to fly in the wasteland. He --I just know I'm missing things here. The camel is seen as a friend not just a dumb animal. I like learned to fly in the wasteland. You can envision him tearing across the waste. By breaking on he you give the sense of the movement occurring much better than ending on a full stop.
was golden with water dreams, but pockmarked --golden with water dreams is lovely by adding that he's pockmarked this moves away from a fantasy and into a situation where all is not perfect.
from the toes down and across his unshadowed page. --from the toes down where he makes actual contact with the land fanciful flying aside. I took the unshadowed page to be the barren emptiness of the sand stretching out in front of him. It's as if his steps are writing communicating that he is here.
I didn’t know how to drink without a tongue and he --I read this more of a swollen dehydrated tongue though nothing forbids it from being removed.
had forgotten how to be a cup. --good phrasing. I take this to mean that the camel's reserves in the fatty tissue of his hump are deleted. He would in no way be a cup for the speaker, but he can't even be one for himself.

We learned in grey and salt. He would stamp on my spit --I'm not sure what the gray is maybe the phrase is an evocative way of saying that the speaker tried to reuse sweat and saliva. I like your s sounds here
until it ran greening into parchment cracks or
– slitherwise as the taipan –
tricked the grass into bloom. --These three lines are some of my absolute favorites. You have the desperation of watching life giving moisture slip into parchment cracks(great words) I love slitherwise joining the words gives a sibilance that yes mirrors the taipan snake which yes will kill you like losing any moisture here will. And then in painful irony it tricks the grass into blooming into a non-sustainable life. Can't say enough about this sequence.

I watched him hollow, stretch, thin, sway,
muddy and cough. Sunsets tripped over his brow,
worn now to wax-bright whispering. --again gorgeous writing. The camel is dying I think. The sequence of words work. The sunsets line show both his age and the passage of time--I love it, and wax-bright whispering like a candle burning down is just awesome.

I found wings on the redgum’s bank, fluttering
out of waterlily reach. I frightened them, but he was close
behind to soothe. They tapped his shoulders and he smiled
his last drink for me. --until I keyed on the word bank I was leaning toward the speaker's death, but I take the redgum for a river. Beautiful ending

Nothing really popped out as nits to me. Mostly, I hope these comments will help you see if you got what you were going for.

Best,

Todd

---

Oh, and back to the title beasts seems to be about what having to survive reduces and elevates us to.

[Leanne]

Todd, thanks very much, that's brilliantly insightful -- I will send you a PM

[billy]

My friend the camel learned to fly in the wasteland. He
was golden with water dreams, but pockmarked
from the toes down and across his unshadowed page.
I didn’t know how to drink without a tongue and he
had forgotten how to be a cup.
i'm pretty sure this is a dream poem/song a opening show of you the 1st person being one with the beast hence beasts of course you could be dreaming of being part of all the camels, i'm enjoying looking at it from my first assumption

We learned in grey and salt. He would stamp on my spit
until it ran greening into parchment cracks or
– slitherwise as the taipan –
tricked the grass into bloom.
some excellent imagery, i take the grey salt being the residue of waters past, i'll be honest and say i'm not sure how the snake tricks grass into bloom but the image works non the less.

I watched him hollow, stretch, thin, sway,
muddy and cough. Sunsets tripped over his brow,
worn now to wax-bright whispering.
dehydration can have that effect, again i'm assuming; he's dying, great images, specially the 1st line

I found wings on the redgum’s bank, fluttering
out of waterlily reach. I frightened them, but he was close
behind to soothe. They tapped his shoulders and he smiled
his last drink for me.
for me this is the best verse within a great poem, the image of the butterfly on the trees along the riverbank is immense, and poignant.
it's as if they are the spirit, freeing him

one nit in an almost perfect poem.

the 'he'' at the end 1st line, for me the endjamb of it messes with the flow to much.

for me this is a publishable poem, i wish i could give more feedback but it's hard to find even an extra nit. excellent poem showing how the native aussie thinks. all jmo

thanks for the ride.

[Leanne]

You don't like the enjambment, Todd does, do we have a tiebreaker?

Thanks very much, Billy -- your reading was not how I saw it, but I like it a lot through that filter and it's most certainly not wrong, it works perfectly.

I especially hadn't thought of a butterfly in the last, I was thinking more of angel wings or something along those lines, but butterflies are new beginnings and I really enjoy that idea. Different interpretations make me happy

[Wildcard]

Hi Leanne,

I have been 'visiting' this one for a little while off and on. Pretty sure I don't have anything insightful, but I do have a few questions

My friend the camel learned to fly in the wasteland. He
was golden with water dreams, but pockmarked
from the toes down and across his unshadowed page. --Is the a page that has never been read? Story that has yet to be told? . . . and from the toes down . . . such an interesting choice of words. This is what keeps bringing me back.
I didn’t know how to drink without a tongue and he
had forgotten how to be a cup.

We learned in grey and salt. He would stamp on my spit
until it ran greening into parchment cracks or
– slitherwise as the taipan –
tricked the grass into bloom.

I watched him hollow, stretch, thin, sway,
muddy and cough. Sunsets tripped over his brow, --This is a smile for me. What a nice way to give me the image
worn now to wax-bright whispering.

I found wings on the redgum’s bank, fluttering
out of waterlily reach. I frightened them, but he was close
behind to soothe. They tapped his shoulders and he smiled
his last drink for me.

I am so not sure that I am doing this right, but just as sure I love the words.

Thanks for sharing

[Leanne]

I forget where the unshadowed page came from, Mark -- that's the thing about meaning, it's not immutable and it alters depending on the reader. Every time I come to a poem I'm a different reader, even if it's something I wrote Today, unshadowed means that it's midday, the peak -- this is a master at his very best, with the world at his feet, but that world is not going to live up to his potential. It's already destroying him.

[Wildcard]

Rereading will be so much fun

And I get what you mean about meaning, I am just new enough at this that I need confirmation to feel like I haven't strayed too far (I had and I hadn't in this case)

[Leanne]

I generally find myself making a guess about meaning based on a couple of phrases (what could they possibly mean?) and then see if the rest of the poem bears out my assumptions. If not, either I've guessed wrong or the poet has just bunged a whole stack of pretty-sounding phrases together to try and fool unsuspecting readers into thinking it's deep (amphigouri). It takes many years of practise to be any good at working out which is which, and even then it's not an exact science.

Thanks for returning ><

[Todd]

You don't like the enjambment, Todd does, do we have a tiebreaker?

Thanks very much, Billy -- your reading was not how I saw it, but I like it a lot through that filter and it's most certainly not wrong, it works perfectly.

I especially hadn't thought of a butterfly in the last, I was thinking more of angel wings or something along those lines, but butterflies are new beginnings and I really enjoy that idea. Different interpretations make me happy

I have been away from this thread. When there is a dispute between Billy and Todd, Todd wins the tiebreak.

[Leanne]

Todd does, by virtue of saying so first

[Wildcard]

Thanks for returning ><

It was your words that brought me back . . . so thank them :p

I will be back when I have made a few more passes

[billy]

FUCK OFF TODD. so that means i always lose :HUH:


oops me caps button stuck. he'd already won, i saw you ask him to pm, you never asked me
anyway, she liked my butterfly wings.

back on topic:

i like how the title set me off on the wrong path. from the start i had donkeys or elephants in my mind as to what beasts of burden were.

[Leanne]

I know what sort of things you had in mind for those donkeys...

I did like the butterfly wings

[Todd]

FUCK OFF TODD. so that means i always lose :HUH:


oops me caps button stuck. he'd already won, i saw you ask him to pm, you never asked me
anyway, she liked my butterfly wings.

back on topic:

i like how the title set me off on the wrong path. from the start i had donkeys or elephants in my mind as to what beasts of burden were.