Another Lonely Night

[Loveblind]

I know it lacks some imagery, but it's something simple I wrote on the go.

It’s 3 a.m.
Hidden deep in my
Basement
The shadow of the
Street light glare
Printed on my walls

Jaded in the eyes
Black mascara running
Down to my check bones
Physically alive but spiritually dead
Soul detached from the body
Walking around in the live less
Basement

My back pressed against the wall
A note book with paper falling out
And a pen on top next to my leg
A joint in my hand

Smoking all my troubles
Out of the window
Hoping the animosity
In me would jump in
Someone else walking
The streets of New York City

And even when my lungs
Began to hurt
I kept going
Just to get the
Motivation I needed
To create a master piece

[billy]

I know it lacks some imagery, but it's something simple I wrote on the go.

It’s 3 a.m.
Hidden deep in my
Basement
The shadow of the
Street light glare (light's)
Printed on my walls

Jaded in the eyes (Jaded eyes)
Black mascara running
Down to my check bones (i think you meant down my cheek, but this
Physically alive but spiritually dead ....works really well)
Soul detached from the body
Walking around in the live less
Basement

My back pressed against the wall
A note book with paper falling out (how about spilling instead of falling )
And a pen on top next to my leg
A joint in my hand

Smoking all my troubles
Out of the window
Hoping the animosity
In me would jump in
Someone else walking
The streets of New York City

I love the above verse LB

And even when my lungs
Began to hurt
I kept going
Just to get the
Motivation I needed
To create a master piece

this verse too

not bad at all in my opinion LB. for me a few mistakes that actually work,
unless they aren't mistakes ;

down to my cheek bones

walking around in the live less
basement (which i love.)

thanks for the read as usual LB.

[mrmod]

I know it lacks some imagery, but it's something simple I wrote on the go.

It’s 3 a.m.
Hidden deep in my
Basement
The shadow of the
Street light glare
Printed on my walls

Jaded in the eyes
Black mascara running
Down to my check bones
Physically alive but spiritually dead
Soul detached from the body
Walking around in the live less
Basement

My back pressed against the wall
A note book with paper falling out
And a pen on top next to my leg
A joint in my hand

Smoking all my troubles
Out of the window
Hoping the animosity
In me would jump in
Someone else walking
The streets of New York City

And even when my lungs
Began to hurt
I kept going
Just to get the
Motivation I needed
To create a master piece

I'm by no means an expert at poetry so take what I say with a pinch of salt .

I actually liked this poem as somethings work very well. The imagery about the lights imprinted on the walls works quite effectively. And the inversion (I think that's what it's called ) in "Physically alive but spiritually dead" described really well to me how you must've felt.

The point of the poem evaded me throughout but maybe it's just me. It related to poetry "create a master piece" but that's just my guess. The point I think you were trying to make was that you were really down ("Black mascara running/ Down to my cheek bones") and tried to put those things on the paper. But I didn't understand why you were sad (maybe that was intended) .

However I must say, I enjoyed the read and would like to see some more .

[Loveblind]

Thanks for the feed back guys. And to answer the last person, I wrote the poem based on this quote.

“In the real dark night of the soul it is always three o' clock in the morning, day after day.”
~F. Scott Fitzgerald

[billy]

Thanks for the feed back guys. And to answer the last person, I wrote the poem based on this quote.

“In the real dark night of the soul it is always three o' clock in the morning, day after day.”
~F. Scott Fitzgerald

sorry to go off topic LB but do you have any friends who write poetry who might be interested in joining

[Loveblind]

Hmm. I`ll ask around

[billy]

Hmm. I`ll ask around

thanks LB